


How I fell in Love with Ian Gallagher

by MiriamMT



Series: Gallavich FanFiction [8]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Abusive Terry Milkovich, First Kiss, Hurt Mickey Milkovich, Ian Gallagher Being an Asshole, Ian Gallagher Being an Idiot, Jealous Mickey Milkovich, M/M, Mickey Milkovich Loves Ian Gallagher, POV First Person, Public Sex, Sad Mickey Milkovich, Smut, sleepover scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:21:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 24,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23715841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiriamMT/pseuds/MiriamMT
Summary: "Mick- ", he started suddenly but stopped again, bit his bottom lip and looked at me."Yeah?", I asked when he wouldn't continue, "What is it, firecrotch?""Nothing, forget it.""Spit it out, Gallagher" I said and faced him.His eyes flickered to my lips and back to my eyes."You kissed me.""Am not fucking afraid of it", I tried to sound nonchalant and shrugged.Shameless Season 1 and 3 out of Mickey's perspective with all the sex scenes.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Series: Gallavich FanFiction [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551802
Comments: 21
Kudos: 159





	1. How I noticed Ian Gallagher for the first Time

The Gallagher's lived not far away from my house, I knew that there was a fucking lot of them.   
The dad, Frank, was known all over the south side. Sitting in the Alibi all day, getting drunk, fucking shit up.   
The oldest Gallagher, Fiona, I didn't know her that much. The oldest brother was in my year at school, even though he was a good year younger than me – I got held back - he wrote school papers for others for the right money. I got a B+ for an English paper he wrote for me.

The rest was just a bunch of people for me, I didn't bother to know or remember names.   
Until Mandy came home crying one night.

Mandy is the only girl in the family, so we brothers were pretty much obsessed with protecting her – not that she really needed it. You don't know my sister until you fought my sister.

She babbled something about Ian Gallagher trying to touch her. How she wanted to shove him off, but he wouldn't stop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joey, Jamie and I made our way to the Kash'n'Grab.   
That shit's gonna pay for touching Mandy!

"Ian Gallagher!", I yelled as we entered the store, banging the door against the wall, "You messed with the wrong girl!"

I saw a boy with red hair flinching behind some shelfs and charing after him when he ran away.   
He disappeared in the storage room.   
"Get out here, Mandy told us what you did you piece of shit!", I yelled, pushing and banging against the door, "Get out here!"

"Guys, he's gone", Kash, the owner, interrupted, "There's a door at the back of the storage room"   
I turned to my brothers, "Alley! Alley!", I ordered and pushed Kash against the wall, "Tell fuckhead, this is not over!"

I ran after my brothers, but they just looked at me confused, saying they lost the bastard.

A few days later, Mandy told us to knock it off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I watched the Kash and Grab store. I wouldn't be so fucking stupid to go in there while that Linda Bitch is in. I'm not a moron.   
But Kash? I could go into that store and rob the whole thing at once, he wouldn't do anything.

I walked into the store and grabbed some Gatorade and Pringles, other snacks. Stupid bastards, didn't have any BBQ Pringles anymore, now I gotta take the green ones...  
I walked up to the counter where Kash took out shit of a box, I grabbed the box, and dropped my stuff in it – gotta transport it home somehow, right? And I'm not carrying some gay purse home.

"Head's up, man. You're out of BBQ Pringles", I told him and left.   
Outside I went through the snacks. My fucking brothers had stolen my stuff last night and I planned a lazy evening today. I noticed I forgot the dip and walked back in.

The ginger was standing in front of the counter talking to Kash, I barely glanced at him, I took what I forgot and got out again.

I heard the door of the store opening again behind me.   
"Hey Mickey", I turned around to see the redheaded Gallagher again, "Why don't you steal from a neighbourhood you don't live in? Have some civic pride!"   
I raised an eyebrow at him. What was wrong with that kid? Who had the guts to stand up to me like that, a few weeks after I almost beat him to death for touching my sister? He ran away from me like a scared fucking cat that day, now he yelled at me?

I couldn't help but look at him a little longer, the dark red hair and the attractive freckled face... the tall, slim body... I grinned slightly and threw the dip at him, watching him moving quickly to dodge it. Damn, I was sure he could put that body into action in a lot of good ways...   
"You know where I live if you have a problem", I yelled and left.

_And that's how I noticed Ian Gallagher for the first time._


	2. How I got close to Ian Gallagher for the first time

A few days later, I walked into the store again.  
I took what I wanted, as usual, and suddenly the towelhead pulled a gun at me.  
I chuckled.

"What? Where you got that new toy from? What you gonna do with it? Shoot me over a cup of soup?"  
Kash cocked it and pointed it at me with shaking hands.  
I laughed at him, "Come on, you don't have the balls", and he didn't. In no time I lunged forward and disarmed him, grinning as I put the gun to my stuff and punched him in the face, giving him a black eye for sure "That's for wanting to shoot me"

When I got home, after getting my dad from prison, Mandy took me aside.  
"Ian wants the gun back", she hissed, "Shit what did you do? Can't you leave it alone? Bring the fucking gun back and stop this bullshit"  
I just shrugged "His own fault for being a pussy who can't shoot."

This night we partied through. I forgot about the gun and Ian pretty quickly over all the beer and the loud voice that belonged to my father, who told horror stories about rape and beating up queers in prison.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At some point I must've been passed out in my bed fully clothed.  
I was woken up by a cold metal thing poking my back.  
"The fuck?", I whined sleepily, just let me sleep, asshole.  
"I want the gun back Mickey!", I heard the voice of the ginger Gallagher.

That boy had some serious problems!  
He just broke into the Milkovich house and woke me up – as if that wouldn't be bad enough – with a crow bar and a threat.

"Gallagher?"  
"The gun!", he repeated.  
"Alright, alright", as sexy it was that he stood up to me like that and challenged me, it was time to teach him a lesson about waking up a Milkovich! I acted sleepily and pretended to take the gun out of my bedside table, when he lowered the crow bar for a second, I threw myself at him.

I didn't expect him to put up an actual fight – but hell, he did!  
He threw me on the sofa across the room and I lunged at him, we shoved each other around in the room, crashing into various furniture. I did just wake up and too many body parts were rubbing against each other right now.  
I eventually pinned him down on my bed and got hold of the weapon, ready to beat his head in.

But the way he lay underneath me, in my bed, all the roughhousing and rubbing and him having the guts to challenge me – I was turned on like shit!  
I wore sweatpants and fuck, they were awfully telling him about my hard on that was pretty close to his face.

We looked at each other panting, he eventually gave me an proposing, almost challenging look, and I let the crow bar fall and took my shirt off.

From fighting to getting naked was such a quick transition I couldn't even question my decision.  
I sat back so he could get up and I helped him getting his shirt off – for a fifteen-year-old he had a really nicely toned body. I pushed my sweats down and lay back on the bed, he threw his gloves to his shirt and helped me getting out of my pants.

Not many words were exchanged, and it worked out though.  
I lay on my back, spreading my legs slightly.  
I sucked on two of my fingers and got to work quickly, pushing one of them into me, while he opened his belt quickly and let his pants drop to the ground. I knew he watched me fingering myself, but he needed too long right now and I wanted to get this over and done with.

I worked myself up to two fingers, when I looked down, I saw him being completely naked for the first time. I licked my lips seeing his erection – that's gonna hurt. It made me even more excited, I reached for the lube in the in the shelf behind my bed and gave it to him, my dick twitched slightly, seeing Ian coating his length in lube and getting between my legs.

I pulled my fingers out of me, presenting my ass for him to finally fuck me.  
He pulled me closer on my hips and guided himself into me.  
I grunted at the feeling, he felt even bigger than he looked. The slight burn from the stretch turned me on more.

He started thrusting into me, holding my legs up.  
I grunted and groaned at every fucking thrust, trying to keep my voice low minding my dad sleeping on the couch.  
He groaned as well, moaning lowly while grabbing my thighs. Everything felt amazing, every little touch, everywhere our skin connected for a second was beyond description.

I forced myself to keep my eyes shut or look away, I didn't want to look him in the eyes while he gave me the best fuck of my life so far. It just didn't feel right to look at his face, it was too intimate.

I jerked myself off to his thrusts. As good as it felt and as long as I wanted to experience this, we had to finish quickly, before anyone in this house noticed or had the chance to walk in.

I clenched around him a few times, knowing it would feel good for him, he groaned a bit louder as I did it, making me smirk.  
"Hurry, Gallagher", I grunted, earning a chuckle from the redhead, "I'm close"

I stroked my dick faster, spreading pre cum over the tip, that together with the cock inside of me pounding me like there's no tomorrow was enough to throw me over the edge already, but what really did it was the feeling of Ian's and my body touching ever so slightly, sending a ticklish feeling through me, and his soft noises.

I came all over myself, groaning loudly, mentally cursing myself for it at the same time.  
I didn't had an orgasm that good since I was fourteen and discovered my sister's porn magazines under her bed with half naked men flexing their muscles.

I lay there blissed out with the faint feeling of Ian still pounding into me, until he eventually spilled into me. I groaned again at the foreign feeling of being filled up with another guy's cum.  
"Holy fuck", I breathed out. That was also the moment I noticed we didn't use a condom, but I also wouldn't know where to find one right now.

Ian pulled out of me and I scooted over so he could fall next to me on the bed.  
"Man, that was good", I chuckled, and I could feel him leaking out of me, "You could've pulled out though"  
"Sorry", Ian whispered grinning, looking up at the ceiling. I shivered from the sudden cold in the room, now that we didn't do it anymore, and reached for my blanket to sloppily drape it over us.  
I actually didn't want him to lie in my bed very long or to stay here in general for that long. Someone could walk in any minute.

"Can we do that again sometime?", I could hear the grin out of his voice.  
"Sure, when are you alone in the store?"  
"Every Wednesday and Thursday from six to eight"  
I nodded and licked my lips. What would be better, than to fuck Ian in that stupid fucking store, where the stupid guy worked for whose gun, he was here in the first place?

Suddenly the door opened.   
I flinched and we both stared at the door in shock.  
My dad walked past us half naked and sleepy into the bathroom behind my room.  
I felt like I couldn't breathe nor move, I slowly looked to Ian.  
Did he see us? Did he see us? Are we dead? I panicked in my head. How the hell was I supposed to fucking explain this?

We heard his disgusting bathroom noises and just stared at each other in fear.  
Dad came back in, walked past us again.  
"Mandy's making eggs", he grunted and suddenly stopped dead in his tracks, turning around to us. 

I quickly looked away and stared at the wall. Maybe if I concentrated on it, it wouldn't be so bad. Just concentrate on the wall, the colour, disconnect from your body, then you won't feel it as intense. It was a trick I've learned over the years.  
"Put some clothes on, you two look like a couple of fags!", was the only thing Dad said and then he left.

Both Ian and I leaned back relieved. My heartbeat was still out of control.

After a while we finally got up, we just lay in awkward silence since Dad left the room. I quickly pulled my clothes on, suddenly not feeling so comfortable around him completely naked. I was too vulnerable... I let him in in a secret here. I let him come close and let him know something about me I never told anyone before, not even Mandy. While he put his pants on, I got the gun out of my drawer and threw it at the bed.

Ian stared at it as if he just remembered why he even came here in the first place.  
He looked at me and took a step in my direction, leaning in slightly.

"Kiss me and I'll cut your fucking tongue out", I warned him and left the room.

_And that's how I got close to Ian Gallagher for the first time._


	3. How I found out I wasn't the only one Ian Gallagher fucked

Two days later I walked into the Kash'n'Grab again.  
I already stood outside for half an hour and smoked two cigarettes.  
"Get your fucking ass together, pussy", I mumbled to myself and walked into the store.

Ian sat behind the counter and rang up some old lady.  
I figured, it would be suspicious, if I just randomly stood here and waited for her to leave.  
"You got any slim jims in this shithole?", I asked.  
The old lady left, and Ian got up grinning and locked the store door.

"Yeah, in the back", he said cockily, and I followed him through the store. While walking he took his flannel off and I got rid of my scarf and jacket.  
We walked into the storage room, you could look into it if you looked behind the drinks.

"Hope you didn't want to say my dick's too slim with that little pun", he mumbled as he pushed me up against a shelf and we got rid of our clothes quickly, putting them into the shelfs. Ian snached some lube from one of the shelves and opened it.  
"You wanna tell me you've got complexes with that thing?", I chuckled and turned around.

I could hear Ian chuckling and stuck a finger into me, fingering me sloppily, to open me up.  
His dick really wasn't slim at all, and as much as I enjoyed a little burn from having my hole stretched by a big dick, I needed the prepping to take him.

I grunted lowly when he used a second finger, slowly working me up to a third.  
"Alright, alright, finally get to it, Jesus", I mumbled impatiently.  
Ian chuckled again and within a second his fingers were gone, and his wet tip gently pushed against my hole.  
I bend down further, granting the ginger better access.

Ian had his hands on my hips and pushed into me, earning a loud moan. Nobody could hear us here, so I could as well moan like this if I wanted to.  
He thrusted in and out of me, making the shelf we leaned against shake dangerously.  
I grasped my cock and jerked myself off quickly.  
We had more time right now, but I still didn't feel like spending more time than necessary with the Gallagher. For that he was too... too attractive, too sexy and too tough. The more time I spent with him the more I risked catching some weird feelings I didn't want.

He kept pounding into me, I met every thrust. He felt so fucking good, his hands on my hips, his hot breath on my neck, his face was so close, that he moaned directly in my ear. The sound was an enormous turn-on.

I didn't need long to come all over the shelf, making sure Ian came quickly as well by clenching around him and meeting his thrusts with my hips.  
"Fuck", he moaned and pulled out of me, jerking off a few seconds and coming on my ass.

We leaned against each other and the shelf for a moment.  
"Wait, I'll clean you up quickly", Ian panted and grabbed some tissues from somewhere nearby, rubbing his cum from my ass. I couldn't help but laugh slightly at the absurd situation.

We got dressed again and he – all gentlemen like – walked me out of the store.  
"So, I guess this was like a booty call huh?", he asked.  
"Whatever, see ya", I shrugged and walked home quickly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I came home a week later, after grabbing a drink and skipping last period, I spotted Ian on my couch. He sat there with Mandy and did school-shit.  
I burped loudly and walked past them with a "Douche Bags"   
While Mandy didn't look at me and just shot an insult back, Ian looked at me grinning and I raised my eyebrows at him and licked my lips before walking to my room.

I didn't completely shut the door in case he needed another sign and started taking off my jackets and scarf, then my shirt and when I started on my pants the door opened again.

"Took you long enough", I said to the redhead who shut the door carefully and walked over, taking his shirt off while doing so.

"We ain't got long, Mandy's in the fucking next room"  
"No worries, she's too oblivious. What's she doing right now?"  
"She's making pizza bagels", he let his pants drop to the ground.  
"So we got twelve to fifteen minutes." I grinned and got on my hands and knees presenting his ass.

I still didn't want to look him in the eyes while fucking, and let's be honest – being taken from behind, if done right, was just amazing!  
I soon felt a spit-slicked finger circling my hole, pushing in and out only an inch.  
"You're in a teasing mood now Gallagher? Wrong time keep that to the store", I turned my face to him and grinned at him, he rolled his eyes at me, but smiled and pushed two fingers in at once.  
I yelped slightly at the unexpected action.

"That better?", Ian asked cockily.  
"Ya, Ya", I panted, and he proceeded to thrust in and out of me with his fingers.  
"Shut up, she'll hear us", Ian whispered.  
"What am I supposed to do, bite in a fucking pillow?"  
"Yeah" Ian smiled and used a third finger for my hole, making me groan, I muffled it with my hand.

"I'm not a fucking pillow-biter"  
"You are", Ian whispered and pulled his fingers out, only to push in his dick in instead.  
Ian grabbed my sides tightly and pushed his whole length into me. I actually pressed my face into a pillow to not moan too loudly.

He fucked into me hard and fast, just like we both liked it. He thrusted into me in different angles and I just wanted to ask him, what the fucking hell he thought he was doing over there, when his dick pressed against something deep inside of me that made me yell into the pillow and grip the bedsheets tightly.  
"Fuck" I moaned into the pillow. Ian hit that spot over and over again, driving me insane. I even forgot to jerk myself off over it.

"Am fucking close, don't you dare to stop", I mumbled. I would've liked to yell it and moan loudly through the whole house because holy fuck – whatever Ian did there, was beyond gay heaven.

"Am close too, hurry up", Ian panted and his grip on my skin tightened.  
He kept thrusting at the fast pace.  
Without further warning Ian came first, coming inside of me and spilling directly on that spot he was hitting the whole time.  
I screamed into the pillow out of pleasure at the feeling and felt myself coming untouched on the bed underneath me.

I collapsed on the bed and Ian collapsed on top of me.  
"Fuck, what was that?", I whispered.  
Ian chuckled and rubbed my side.  
"Your prostate, I'd say", Ian chuckled and pulled himself out of me, I whimpered at the loss. He grinned and slapped my ass playfully, causing me to swing my leg lightly at him. Ian chuckled and got up from the bed.

Ian pulled his clothes back on.  
"You okay?", he asked because I still hadn't moveed.  
"Yeah, I'm good", I chuckled, "Give me a minute"

I felt him leaking out of me and groaned at the feeling.  
After a minute I got up, cleaned up our mess as good as I could and got dressed again.

I joined my sister and Ian in the living room. His red hair was a mess, Mandy's eyes were glued on the screen.  
"Shove over faggots", I said to Ian, who just grinned smugly.  
I took a pizza bagel and took the PlayStation Controller from Ian.  
"Watch and learn"  
I felt Ian grinning and staring at me. He had a hard time containing his laughter because Mandy really was so fucking oblivious.

After a while she got up to go the bathroom.  
"She's blind", Ian mumbled, I just nodded.  
"By the way, we can't fuck in the store so often anymore", he said and looked in the direction of the bathroom to make sure Mandy couldn't hear us.  
"Why not?"  
"Kash got suspicious because it smelled like sex in the storage room."  
"It's a store full of cleaning products and you aren't able to clean up good enough, so your boss doesn't notice?"  
"I can't use the one's we're selling. Linda shut the cameras off again, but she'll notice if stuff goes missing"  
"Why did she shut the cameras off?"

"She caught me and Kash together", he shrugged.  
I stared at him. The Pizza Bagel almost fell out of my hand.  
"You fuck Kash?", I asked.

I wasn't hurt or anything, I didn't even want to look at Ian while we were fucking, he certainly wasn't required to only fuck me. I didn't even want Ian to only fuck me, because then it would be a relationship and I didn't' want that. But I was confused... and mainly I was disgusted.

"Not lately. I'm bored by him, he's a pussy. You should've seen his reaction to his wife finding out he takes it up the ass by a teenager. I don't wanna fuck him ever again, he's just... weak, boring", Ian shrugged.  
I wanted to say something, but Mandy came back in that moment.

I bit my lip and looked at Ian for the rest of the afternoon.  
Did that mean, I was the opposite to Kash? I wasn't a pussy, I had a reputation... maybe I was the "bad boy" Ian needed right now.  
I shook my head and decided to just not think too much about.


	4. How Kash caught us

Dad was ranting about random things, he was drunk and got riled up about the smallest shit in a matter of seconds.  
I lit a new cigarette when someone knocked on the door, it sounded panicked.

I pulled the door open and found Ian in front of me to my surprise.  
"The fuck do you want?"  
"I-I need to see you", he sounded completely out of it, something must've happened to extremely upset him. I felt the need to punch whoever was responsible for Ian being such a mess right know.  
"Who hung up his laundry on my pull up bar?", I heard dad shout inside.  
"Not a good time", I pressed out.

"I-I don't know where else to go...", he almost sobbed, he breathed heavily, his face was red, he probably ran the way from his home to mine.  
I looked around outside and lowered my voice.  
"I thought you were working today"  
"Yeah, I'm supposed to be there now... Linda's gonna have my ass"

I couldn't just send him away when he was in this state.  
"I'll meet you there in twenty", I said and shut the door again.  
I didn't even know how I was supposed to help. Did he just need a fuck to calm down or did he just not know what to do in his shocked state? What the fucking hell happened?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twenty minutes later we were in the storage room again.  
"You alright?" I asked him slightly concerned.  
He nodded and pulled his shirt up.  
I bit my lip, "I ain't got much time, Gallagher. Just fuck your distress out, do what you have to", I lowered my jeans and turned around. If I could help him this way, so be it.

"Thanks", he whispered and started prepping me, "I-I'm not just using you for this, alright? Don't know where else to go... what to do... I'm sorry"  
"Yeah, yeah, emotional meltdowns are turn offs, if you want to cry about that, then maybe after the fucking"  
I heard Ian chuckle behind me and smiled.

When Ian was finally ready to get to it and pushed his cock inside of me, I moaned lowly and grabbed the metal end of the shelf.  
He thrusted in and out of me hard.  
I grunted at every thrust. I heard him moaning and groaning in my ear.  
This felt so fucking good, I hoped it somehow comforted Ian from whatever upset him.

I was surprised when I felt his hand not on my hips anymore but over my hand.  
I opened my eyes, His pale hand lay over mine, grabbing the shelf.  
I could barely wrap my head around that gentle action in contrast to the hard fuck and my low grunts. But it was nice, and I hoped he didn't let go of my hand.

He fucked into me at a fast pace, he panted and groaned, his hot breath hitting my neck.  
My grunts became faster and louder, his hand on mine.

Suddenly the storage room opened.  
Ian stopped, I almost had a heart attack. I turned around, completely out of breath.  
There stood Kash, looking at us shocked.  
"Fuck!", I cursed, pushed Ian away from me and pulled my pants up quickly while running out of the store, shoving Kash out of my way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stood across the street from the Kash'n'Grab.  
It was an hour since Kash caught us. I needed to go back there. Make sure Kash keeps his mouth shut.

I walked in, I didn't see Ian, but Kash stood with his back to me.  
"Fucking right you keep your mouth shut", I said lowly and walked up to the counter, "You better keep it shut"  
Kash walked around the counter, I took a snickers bar from the counter and opened it provocatively.  
"Put the candy back Mickey"  
"Mhm, sweet", I said after I bit into it, "I like 'em sweet. But then again... so do you, huh?" I chuckled.  
I turned around to walk down the aisle.  
"Put it back", I heard Kash's voice behind me and a gun cocked.

He already did this once, he didn't have the guts to shoot me, I knew that.  
But suddenly the sound of a shot screeched through the air and hit a bag of chips next to me.  
I turned around shocked, he shot again, hitting a can of tomato sauce.

"Kash what are you doing?", I heard Ian's voice from the direction of the storage room.  
"It's a fucking snicker's bar!", I yelled.  
He shot again and I was knocked off my feet, pain shot through my leg.  
"Fuck", I groaned.

Suddenly Ian was with me, leaning over me.  
"Hey, Mick, look at me, it's okay", I heard his voice and his hands touching my leg.  
"Ah, you fucking suck!", I yelled at Kash, while letting Ian talk gently and soothingly to me.


	5. How I fell in love with Ian Gallagher

I was in fucking juvie.  
I got shot and I was in juvie?  
How?

That bastard was jealous because his boytoy got tired of him and wanted to fuck me instead and shot me for it!  
But what was I supposed to do? I stole from the store and Kash defended himself.  
Of course, I could've told them about it but... then they'd know I'm fucking a guy.

I walked on crutches into that visiting room thing.  
I spotted Ian's red hair and limped over to him. I sat down.  
It's been a while since we've seen each other, I had missed his face while being in here.

"Thanks for putting money on my commissary account", I said without really looking at him, "I've been running low on smokes."  
"Not me, Kash", he admitted, "I told him you might still press charges"  
"Thanks", I half smiled, the thought that Ian blackmailed Kash into giving me money, was way better than Ian giving me his own.

We sat in silence for a moment.  
"How long?", he asked eventually.  
"I don't know. It's supposed to be a year, right? Maybe just a couple of months if I don't do anything stupid.", I shrugged.  
"Like what?"

"Like stabbing that fat fucking Mick who keeps trying to steal my jello!", I yelled across the room.  
"Who, me?", came the answer in a harsh tone.  
"Yeah!"

Ian looked at me, he looked rather intimidated by the whole environment.  
"I-I miss you", he said.  
I swear, my heart didn't fucking stop at him saying that like this.  
"You say that again, I'll rip your tongue out of your head"

And that idiot started grinning widely. It was the biggest smile I've seen on the freckled face, it lit up his whole face and his eyes shone brightly in the dark room in the dull building.

Stop... Stop grinning at me like that you idiot, or I'm gonna fucking fall in love with you, you stupid fucking moron.

I had to look away to not fall completely for him on spot, I looked back at his still smiling face and I couldn't help smiling myself.

_And that's exactly the moment I fell I love with Ian Gallagher._


	6. How Ian Gallagher didn't look away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I may lead your attention to the title. It's gonna be kinda important for the extra pain of the title in chapter 12

I got out of juvie early in the morning. I was supposed to have four more months, but they let me out early - fucking better, I would've died of blue balls otherwise.  
Not that I didn't fuck anyone in there but topping just isn't my thing. And those straight sluts can't suck dick if their life depended on it - which it did, in a way.  
I just wanted to have Gallagher back on me, in me, behind me - wherever he wanted to place himself.

And the fucker owed me a good pounding, after all, was it his fault I had to go back to juvie. The idiot had to warn his dad, and putting at risk, he'd tell anyone he caught us fucking in the Kash'n'Grab store.

In juvie I had a lot of time to think about Ian's behaviour. It was like he wanted his dad to tell people, as if there was nothing bad about it "We got nothing to be ashamed of" that's what he had said. And maybe that was true for him, maybe it was true in a general way - we shouldn't be ashamed of it. But my reality looked different. I had told him "If my dad finds out about this he will kill me himself" - it was like he didn't understand. He didn't want to understand. He was ignorant to my fear about my life, about his life. I took the time in juvie to think about what kind of person this made Ian Gallaher.

I passed sweating, running kids while making my way to the high school bleachers.  
I could hear moaning from the spot Ian and I used to meet up a lot, and cringed.  
"Yeah, G.I. Joe, pound me like an Iraqi soldier!"  
I kind of hoped, whatever cock slut that was, didn't address Gallagher. He was supposed to fuck me now, not some stupid perv.  
I quickly decided to have my fun with the situation a bit, having them stop immediately.

"Hey! What's going on under there?", I yelled.  
I could hear them cursing and grinned while hopping over the metal posts of the bleachers.  
"Lookie what we got here!"

Ian stopped halfway putting his shirt on when he saw me.  
"Mickey?"  
The other boy seemed relieved when he noticed I wasn't a teacher.  
"I thought you still were in juvie"  
"Not anymore", I smiled before kicking him in the nuts.

"Were you having some kinda queer-bo sex under here?", I kept kicking him, seeing Ian grinning in the corner of my eye.  
"Why are you beating me still up, he was doing it too!", the cockslut exclaimed.  
But I still need his dick in a second... and he's better than you, you prick.

"You were the one taking it up the ass, right? So, you're the one I gotta kick straight!", Ian was holding back a chuckle, I could see it in his face, the smug Idiot, I missed him, "Is it working?"  
"Yes, yes!"  
"Good, get out of here!", I sent him away with another kick to his ass, for good manners.  
That's what you fucking get for touching what's mine, bitch!

I looked at Ian, who smiled at me.  
"You got any fuck left in you or did you dump it all in that faggot's ass?"  
Ian grinned and moved his head to the direction of the fence at the end of the bleachers.

I opened up my jeans and let them down to my knees. I bend forwards, presenting my ass.  
Ian followed me and a second later, I already felt his hands on my ass.  
"You got anything here? I just used my last rubber on Ralph."  
"Fuck, man, I just came out of juvie and you're saying, you used everything I need on another dude with a weird kink?"  
"Not everything you need", I heard his smug grin in his voice and a second later I felt his hard dick rubbing against my ass.

I grinned at the feeling and soon his spit-slicked fingers were at my hole, teasingly pushing in and out.  
I grunted lowly while he fingered me, no matter how often I did that myself, he always did it better.  
"I have some lube over in my backpack, I'll go get it"   
"Why didn't you take it with you five seconds ago?"  
"Was too distracted by that ass", he mumbled and kept fingering me.

I groaned as he worked me up to three fingers.  
"Fuck the lube, I'm not that pussy bitch, just use your fucking spit!"  
I heard Ian chuckle and spit into his other hand, coating his length.

He pulled his fingers out and pushed his dick in in no time.  
Yeah, that's what I'm fucking talking about!  
I held on to the fence while Ian thrusted into me, I felt his big hands on my hips.  
The last time we fucked, it was at the store when Frank caught us, we fucked face to face, my leg up on his shoulder. It was fucking hot; I actually used the chance to look at his face when he wasn't looking and, god, he looked so sexy!

But being taken from behind was still such a turn on, even though I'd like to see his face again during it. Maybe we could fuck in my bedroom again, in front of a mirror.  
While I jacked off to the feeling of his dick inside of me and my sexual fantasies about his face, Ian got faster and his groaning quicker.  
He was close, I knew that from how his grip tightened around my hips.

"Are you close?"  
"Yeah", I panted.  
I jacked myself of faster, bending down a little further, so Ian thrusted in a different angle into me and hit my prostate.  
"Fuck", I groaned. It always reminded me on how he hit that spot for the first time back then and I came untouched, still the best orgasm I had with him so far.

I came just a few thrusts later, shooting my load against the fence.  
Ian quickly pulled out and jerked himself off, his cum hitting my ass cheeks.  
We stood there and panted for a few seconds, before Ian quickly pulled his army pants back up, walked back to his backpack and got some tissues to clean his spunk off my skin. Not that I wouldn't kinda enjoy the feeling, but it would leave a weird stain on my clothes.

"Man, that was good", I chuckled, sitting down and lighting up a cigarette, Ian stood next to me, leaning against the metal posts.  
"Missed ya", I said quickly.  
"You did?", his voice had a weird undertone, he sounded weirdly happy about that little comment.  
"Yeah, man", I passed on the cigarette to him, something about this felt off, he shouldn't read too much into my comment, so I added, "I had to do all the fucking in juvie. Otherwise I'd be someone's bitch, right? Nice to switch back."

Ian looked kind of disappointed and nodded, sitting next to me.  
"Thought you had four more months.", what aren't you happy to see me, bitch?  
"Yeah, they let me out for overcrowding or some shit."  
"Coming back to school?"  
"Hell No, man, I'd still be a fucking freshman, I haven't passed a single class."  
"Why did you come back then?", hello? To see you and be fucked by you again? I wondered, why he was so slow and couldn't see that, on the other hand, maybe I should be glad he didn't read to much into me coming here, didn't think I just came to see him again, even though that was the reason.  
"Fronted out a bunch of coke before I went in, time to collect.", I talked my way out of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later I was about to do just that - collecting my money for the fronted coke.  
I opened the doors to the school halls.  
Sanchez was at his locker, the fucker owned me thirty bucks at least.  
I walked over and punched the locker next to him, making him jump.

"Hey Sanchez."  
"Oh hell", he mumbled, he looked like he was about to shit his pants, and he was right to do so, if he didn't have my money.  
"Time to pay up."  
"They let you out?", his voice was a little shaky, amusing.  
"Good behaviour."

"I thought I had four more months!", he tried to talk himself out of it.  
I sighed, "Think again."  
I started to take shit out of his locker, looking for anything valuable that I could take from him.

"Hey yo! Campus security is coming!", I suddenly heard Gallagher's voice.  
Sanchez took the chance and made a run for it, I just stared at Ian.  
"What the hell are you doing?"

"Didn't want you to get busted", he stated. Was I imagining it, or did he deepen his voice? Was that supposed to turn me on? Big alpha male protecting me or some shit? Hell no!  
"I can look after myself, thank you!", I replied grumpily. Great now I even sounded like a bitch. Bet, Mandy would say shit like that.

I closed the locker door and started to leave the building again, Ian followed me.  
"Just got out of juvie, remember?"  
He got a weird look on his face, staring at me, searching my face for some fucking sign or something. What the fuck?  
He tried to lean to me and see my face or my eyes better, this got really fucking weird!  
I stared back, confused, weirded out, something between that. Why the fuck was he acting so crazy right now?  
"The fuck are you looking at?", I exclaimed.  
"Nothing", he quickly said and looked away again.


	7. How Love can be called a mistake

About a week or two later, the Gallaghers and Milkoviches walked down the streets, ready to beat a child fucker up.  
I didn't know who we were gonna fuck up, but at the word kid fucker, both families suddenly got together and made their way to the house.

I stood right behind my dad, ready to beat the shit out of someone. I would prefer beating up my dad, but that wouldn't end well for me, so I would beat up every other fucker that came my way - something my brothers and I had in common.

Ian stood on the other side, a cigarette in his mouth.  
After this I would fucking drag him in some alley way and make him fuck me for sure!

The door opened and instead of some old paedophile man, a young woman opened up.  
"May I help you?", she already looked frightened by the group of aggressive men in front of her door.  
"We're looking for Blake Collins", Dad said and tried to look into the house.  
"I-I'm Blake Collins."

Apparently, she was the kid fucker we were supposed to deal with - a woman? For real?  
I was confused and so was dad, we both looked at Ian.  
"Oh shit, you're the eight-grade teacher who screwed her student right? You were on TV."  
Fucking smart asshole, always had the answers. Yep, definitely would make him fuck me against a wall after this.

"I didn't screw William. I loved him. And I did my time, I paid for my mistake.", she looked sad, "If love can be called a mistake."

I stood there, right behind my dad, who would kill me if he knew what me and Ian were doing, and next to Ian, who I thought... I maybe, loved. I had tried to shake the thought ever since it occurred to me for the first time when he visited me in juvie more than a year ago. I had tried to not think about it and not act differently towards the ginger, so he wouldn't notice my feelings. Because what fucking use would that have?  
And this woman, this stupid woman stood there, claiming, love can't be called a mistake.  
If not, then why do I have to fear for my fucking life for, probably, maybe, loving that Gallagher next to me?

They babbled some more, I couldn't listen anymore, my mind far too off right now.  
Eventually the crowd lost itself and it was just Lip, Ian and me.  
I threw my plans on fucking Ian in an alleyway over board.

Stupid fucking feelings, always getting in the fucking way.  
I can't fuck him while I freak out about maybe loving him and how my dad would kill me for just that - so why couldn't we beat that woman up that fucked a kid after all? It was like Kash fucking Ian! Why was me having feelings for Ian worse, than a teacher fucking a fourteen year-old, just because she's a goddamn woman?

"Shit, we should still do something!", Lip vocalised my opinion.  
But I couldn't agree with him. The way I came to the thought we should still teach her a lesson was so none of his business, I couldn't lead him on.  
"You thinking gang bang?", I did what I always did - playing it straight. Earning a weird look from both of them.

"No, but maybe call the cops or some shit! I mean she fucks little kids!"  
"It was one kid", Ian said, "He wasn't that little.", of course he would say that, he boned a forty year old Muslim whenever he could.  
"Yeah, If I would've had a teacher like that and she wanted it? Man, I'm getting wood just thinking about it!"

Ian shot me a confused look; Lip had a weird smug smile on his lips while lighting a cigarette.  
Angie Zahgo, known for doing it with everyone, sat a few houses down the road on her porch.

"Hey Angie!", I yelled at her, trying to get away from Ian, who still made me feel fuzzy whenever he looked at me, and that with my dad just around the fucking corner, "You wanna fuck?"  
"Sure", she shrugged, and I walked up to her house. I felt Ian's eyes following me, burning me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was awkward later at the store.  
Ian seemed cold and distant. Usually, when we were alone here, he wouldn't stop fucking flirting, no matter how often I told him to stop.

A kid walked in, he was one of my customers, here to buy coke. But the kid was stupid as shit. He just stared at me weirdly.  
Fucking stop with the fucking staring everyone, god damn!  
"Buy something!", I instructed him, Ian looked at me, he knew exactly what was going on and he apparently was not amused at all. The boy bought something for 89 cents and I showed him the plastic cup in my hand and obviously placed it in the trash.

"I don't get it", he stated.  
"Take the cup out of the fucking trash!", holy fuck how stupid was that boy?  
"Oh! The stuff's in it!", alright, that fucking stupid! Good to know.  
"Just go", Ian said before he actually could grab the cup, "You need whatever brain cells you have left"

The boy left the store and I rolled my eyes.  
"Why do you have to mess with my business?"  
"Why do you have to do your business in my store?"  
"It's not your store! It's towelhead's store!"  
"Whatever. Get smarter customers, because I'm not going down for that shit!", he walked around the corner.

Was now finally the playful flirting starting again, please?  
"Oh, okay, what are you going down for then?", I asked and grinned at him smugly.  
I earned nothing more but a forced half smile from him. I turned around to get a beer. Something was wrong with him today.

"Hey, did you really fuck Angie Zahgo today?", he suddenly asked.  
Ah, there went the explanation. Was Ian "I-fuck-everyone-that's-willing-to-stick-their-ass-out-for-me" Gallagher... jealous?  
"Yeah I fucked Angie, everybody fucks Angie", I explained, I hadn't thought this would be such a big deal, everybody fucks Angie, literally, "You don't fuck Angie?"

"No?", he frowned at me, as if I had to know that or something.  
"You want to fuck Angie? I can call her and get her down here."  
"No.", he stated.  
I shrugged, god someone understand this kid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Despite Ian's grumpiness I kept doing my business in the store. Who was he that he thought he could tell me what to do?

I just finished a deal with two dudes when the bell over the door signalled a new person coming in.  
I looked up, it was an old man, maybe in his sixties, in a way too expensive suit for the south side.

I didn't care and went back to business, but from the corner of my eye I could see him talking to Gallagher.

What the fuck... they seemed to know each other! The other two guys left the store while I stared at Gallagher and the old dude, from his body language I could swear, he was flirting with the redhead.

I walked over.  
"Okay, how about later? Happy hour at the fountain?" The old dude suggested.  
Did they just plan a date? Was Gallagher fucking dating that wrinkled asshole?  
"Yeah, alright" Ian agreed to the date and I wanted to punch someone.

Gallagher fucking other dudes was one thing -I didn't like it and yes, alright, I would prefer him only fucking me, but I didn't care, because it was just fucking, right? He just fucked those guys, nothing more... with me he spent his Free time and flirted at the store, it was me, who he would try to warn from the campus security (What was still a bullshit move but whatever) and it was me, who he visited and got from prison.

He wouldn't fucking do that for just anyone right?  
And now there is this random, ugly, old dude whose balls probably already hit the ground, and he wanted to go on a fucking date with him?

The dude had paid for the bag of chips in his hand and walked towards the door, towards me.  
Oh Bitch, get any closer and I'm gonna punch that smug grin out of your face.

"You got a receipt?" I asked lowly, blocking his way out, just trying to intimidate him a bit, just showing him whose ginger he tried to fuck here.

Ian handed him a receipt and I let the man leave.  
"That your grandpa?" I asked, trying to sound amused. Up close he was even older and uglier than before, what the fuck did Ian want from him?  
"No that's just the guy I've been seeing." He explained nonchalantly.

"Oh" I said, ignoring the weird feeling the words left in me "That's the guy you've been... you've been seeing..." what was so great about that dude? Why was he supposed to be any fucking better than me? "You guys like picnic together? Or you'll get a little dog with a fucking sweater?"

Was that guy what he wanted? Was that the life he wanted? Was fucking me whenever he could not enough? Why not?  
"No, we don't picnic, we mostly just fuck." He leaned back.

I stared at him.  
Was he better in fucking bed than me? Could he take it better? Was he tighter? What the hell?  
"Like you and Angie" he finished his sentence.

I would lie, if I said, that didn't fucking hurt at least a bit- the way he said it.  
That was a completely different situation! I don't go on dates with Angie! I don't even want to look at her or touch her while I fuck her!  
I do that to not make people suspicious! Every straight dude fucks Angie - What would it say about me if I didn't? Right, that I'm not straight.

So, was it that? Was he seeing this man because they could be seen outside together? That all it fucking took for Ian? Fucking slut!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	8. How I was jealous because of Ian Gallagher for the first time

I followed Ian.  
I wasn't proud of it. But I followed him to the Fountain, which seemed to be a little, super hip club bar thing.  
I stood between two buildings, I could see them standing there together and drinking. Flirting, talking, laughing.

I drank a can of beer at the same time. Stupid Bitch, you could have so much more fun with me! All that too obvious flirting got me mad! When Ian and I talked, it was easy. Like our night at the dugout, it was no subtext or needy flirting, hoping to get dick at the end of the night.

I didn't like seeing Ian throwing himself at random assholes like that- and I certainly didn't like that guy throwing himself at Gallagher and I couldn't stand how he was fucking looking at him!

You'd have so much more fun with me! Alone, hidden, but still so much more fun, you prick!

After way too long time they finally left the place and laughed while walking down the street.  
Time to show that idiot whose ginger he tried to fuck here!

"He totally tried to cop a feel!" Ian exclaimed and I already thought I have to beat another one up in a couple of minutes.  
Suddenly the couple stood in front of me and stopped.

"Shit Mickey! What are you doing here?"  
Reminding you, who you prefer to stick your dick in, gingerbread!

"Oh, from the store, right?" The other dude asked amused "Oh Ian, don't be rude! Invite your boyfriend back to my place. I mean, the more the merrier, right?"

Boyfriend?  
.... Boyfriend?...  
As in... couple?  
Did Ian call me his boyfriend at some point towards that dude?  
Did he make me seem more important to him than just a lay to one of his lays?  
Did that make me weirdly happy - Yes!

I felt the sudden need to pull Ian away and let him pound me against a wall. I still was more important than those other bitches!  
But of course, that didn't mean some random dude could just call me gay in the open street. And I still owed him a beat up for touching what's fucking mine!

"I'm sorry" I chuckled "What did you just call me?" I could see Ian looking worried and then I punched his little fucktard. "Faggot! The fuck do you call me a faggot for?"

I yelled and started to punch him in his gut.  
That's for touching my ginger!  
That's for liking to stick it into underaged boys!  
That's for calling me gay!  
And that's for making me so fucking jealous that I actually came here!

Ian asked me to stop, but I didn't care, he deserved this!  
Suddenly I felt him hit me against the neck and I stumbled and fell back.  
"Shit, they're gonna call the cops Mickey!" He crouched down next to the grandpa while I got up. The police showed up.

"Come on!" I yelled to Ian.  
"Are you okay?" He asked the other dude - seriously?  
"Gallagher!"  
"Sorry!" I heard his grin in his voice and knew he wasn't fucking sorry not really "I'll text you!"

He finally got up and we started running down the streets.  
We ran laughing, away from the cops and the other dude and the place they had their date until we stopped, and it was just us again.

I panted, leaning against a wall.  
"What the fuck is wrong with You?" Ian exclaimed and I just laughed and shrugged.  
I tried to look apologetic, but I wasn't fucking sorry in the slightest. So, I just put one hand on the back of his neck and one on his lower stomach, having him laugh and grab on my arm, but he failed.  
He chased me down the street and I could hear his laugh and see his side grin and I knew he liked me more than the old dude!

I eventually ran into a dead end, knowing it was a dead end. He pinned me up against the wall.  
"Got'cha"  
I just grinned and nodded and already started fumbling with his belt and his pants.  
"You're getting slow, Army, not enough work out the last weeks? Too busy fucking wrinkled cocksluts?"

Ian just chuckled and unbuttoned my jeans, pulling them down.  
I didn't want him to take me against the wall from behind, I wanted to see his face, his wide grin and red cheeks!

"You think you're still strong enough to hold me up against the wall while you fuck me? Or did you lose interest in working out while I was in prison?"  
"You were in juvie not prison."  
"So, can you, or can't you?"  
Ian grinned " You think I can't even lift up a lightweight like you?"  
"Not with all the blood rushing to your dick" I challenged him.  
He grinned and groped my ass cheeks. I quickly stepped out of one leg of my jeans but my arms around my neck.  
He got hold of my thighs and mumbled "jump up"  
I chuckled and did, he held me up, positioning me on his hips, pushing me against the wall of a building.

"Looks like the ROTC training is at least good for something."  
Ian chuckled and quickly coated his fingers in spit, pushing them into me. He didn't want to lose any time and neither did I.

I threw my head back, our faces were dangerously close, and he was looking at me, I moaned softly at his fingers.

"Seems like I should always have rubbers and lube with me as long as you're not in juvie" he chuckled.  
"Spit ride's okay. Did you ever hear me complain?"

"I can't hold you up and lube my dick up with anything, at the same time. Just gonna finger you, okay?"  
I rolled my eyes and spit in my hand, reaching down to grasp Ian's dick, the ginger looked at me surprised. I had never touch it before, but I didn't care now, I just wanted him to fuck me, remind him that I'm better than the old guy "What kind of fucking pussies did you screw while I was gone?", I chuckled.

Ian bit his lip while I kept pumping his length.  
Touching him like this, jerking his dick, feeling it in my hand, it was nice, I liked it. Maybe I could do that more from now on - jerk him off secretly at work, sure that would be fun!

"Now finally put it in, come on!" I panted, he had loosened me up good enough, I wanted him inside me, now!

Ian grinned and repositioned me, pulling his fingers out and he eventually made it to line my ass up with his dick and let me sink down on him.  
I moaned lowly.

He started thrusting, pushing me up against the wall.  
I had my hands on the back of his neck and I couldn't help but touch the short red hair on his head, I wish it were slightly longer so I could grab it and run my fingers through it - but that was a fantasy I would never live out anyways, way too couplely!

"Harder" I panted, I held on to him and he had his hands on my ass, groping my cheeks while pounding into me. This was fucking hot. Not my favourite position to be fucked in but fucking amazing.

It wasn't a mystery to me why everyone wanted Ian, who wouldn't like to be banged by a tough army guy, that could carry you around, while He pounded into you with a fucking nine-incher?

Ian fucked me harder, faster.  
I panted and groaned, I never was one to be especially loud during sex, but when we fucked in public - which we did the majority of times - I needed to be extra quiet to not get caught. Which was hard sometimes when Ian hit all the right spots in the right pace.

His face was in the crook of my neck, my legs were wrapped around Ian's waist.  
He moved his head a bit, looking at me, eye contact during sex usually never happened - it did right now.

Holy fuck, his eyes are gorgeous.  
I tried to tear my eyes away from him, but I couldn't stop looking at him.  
Suddenly he leaned in a bit, I noticed it in the last moment, he wanted to kiss me!

No, fuck, not here, not now! Not while I'm trying to deal with my feelings for you! Not after I beat someone up who you actually planned on fucking today! Not while I would have to think about dad catching us! Not while.... not during mindless fucking...

I quickly took one of my hands from his neck and pressed it on his mouth.  
He looked at me and seemed to remember who he was fucking; I could see him snapping out of some couple fantasy. He pulled his head back again and hid it in the crook of my neck again.  
He kept pounding into me... But it was different now... the mood had changed slightly and not to the better.

We eventually both came quietly. He pulled out of me and sat me down on the ground, I leaned against the wall with shaking legs.

I didn't even dare to look up at him, just kept my eyes on the ground after I pulled my clothes on.  
"Well... I gotta go" he mumbled.  
I scoffed "Check if he's okay or what?"  
I looked up and to my surprise a soft smile played on his lips.  
"No, home. See you at work, Mick" then he turned around with that goofy smile and left.

_And that's how I was really fucking jealous because of Ian Gallagher for the first time._


	9. How I kissed Ian Gallagher for the first time

When Ian and I wanted to meet up somewhere, we usually just sent a short text with a place and a time to the other one. Then I deleted the message right away after he said he'd be there.  
Every time.

If someone was to find my phone, the Gallagher and I had no communication with each other. None.

I hoped Ian Did the same, because as far as I knew, his family shared one phone.  
I got mine as payment for some drugs once.

I met Ian on a rooftop of the abandoned buildings just outside the city.  
Ian was busy pulling some old tires together and placing them on the roof top.

"Yo Gallagher" I yelled and walked over.  
Ian was building up some kind of parkour so he could do his ROTC training stuff.  
Wasn't the first time we'd meet up and I watch him work out before we banged. When we had the time to talk and share a drink and spend time together, we did that before or after fucking our brains out.

"Hey Mick"  
"I still don't get all this training effort, just to be shot in the ass in some fucking desert. You're nuts man."  
"Don't you start like this too! Lip is lying in my ears with that bullshit already."

"Oh, comparing me to your brother? Massive turn off, bitch"  
Ian chuckled "You got the beer?"  
I nodded and held up my backpack "Beer, weed, lube, rubbers and my gun., Ian showed me his goofy grin again "Everything two guys need for some fun hours."

"Why the gun though?"  
I shrugged "In case you need encouragement for your training. If you don't run fast enough, you might run into a bullet."

"So, encouraging me? You're gonna be my cheerleader?"  
I playfully boxed against his shoulder, he chuckled at me "Keep it up and I will really shoot you"

I quickly helped Ian setting up the rest of his training parkour and then sat on a little higher spot where I could watch him running around. I enjoyed watching him work out. It was weird, how I liked seeing him sweaty and muscular, running around, being fit and sporty, hot, it turned me on and in my head I imagined him taking his shirt off and rubbing the sweat of his hot body and his rippled abs.  
The thought was gayer than I would ever admit.

I shot my gun playfully into the air, while he ran over stuff and crawled over the ground.  
"Hey, you remember that guy you beat the shit out of at the club?", Ian asked suddenly while keeping to run his rounds, "He wants me to sneak into his mansion and take all of his crap!"

Did he really have to start with that guy again? What was so special about him? He was old and ugly, probably couldn't even do a second round without a one hour break, maybe he couldn't even get it up without the little blue pills.  
"Really? Hilarious!", I just stated, took a drag from my cigarette and kept shooting.

"Can't get it himself. Divorce. Says I can take whatever I want, he's loaded. You want in?", he kept talking about that guy, oh so special, oh so rich - oh so bullshit!  
I shot at the ground right next to him. Shut up with that asshole, you prick!

He flinched "Jesus! Use blanks maybe?!"  
He got up from the ground.  
"Can I bring my cousins?", robbing that bitch blind had a good ring to it, for me.  
"Yeah!"  
"Alright, I'm in."

Ian finished his round and walked up to me.  
"I don't know what you see in that geriatric viagroid!", I said, fucking jealousy got the better of me again, but I had to know what the fuck it was, that he had, and I didn't!  
"He buys me stuff. Orders me room service."

Really? That was all it took? It was just the money and some heartless presents? Fucking room service? I shot into the air.  
But then he said something else, that made me feel ashamed and angry at myself all of a sudden and I couldn't believe his words had that kind of power over me.

"He isn't afraid to kiss me."

I looked down.  
You don't know what you're talking about... Kissing... taking his dick up my ass while I barely look at him was one thing... kissing him?

Only when I was alone with him, I felt free and safe enough to admit to myself, that what we did, what I was, was gay. Being alone with him loosed up this mindset that was pounded into me by my dad, he made me free, it was kind of effortless with him. I knew, up here, it was just us, no one would catch us. Everything was possible when we were alone, that's what it felt like.

But as soon as I thought about my dad or my family, the world outside, everything outside this little bubble I was in with him, I backed off. I couldn't let my feelings grow, I couldn't accept them, embrace them. Because it's not always just us.  
So yeah, I couldn't help but to be afraid to kiss him.

He walked off, to put the wooden training gun away, and I followed, because it meant, we'd get to fucking now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A day later my brother Iggy, my cousin and I met up with Ian. He drove the van we stole.  
We reached the house and my head was full.  
Did he fuck that guy in this house?  
Did he suck him off?  
Enjoyed he fucking him more than me?

At the same time, I couldn't fucking stop hearing his voice in my head.  
"He isn't afraid to kiss me"  
I couldn't stop thinking about it, couldn't stop imagining his lips, couldn't stop imagining kissing him. And at the same time my head was full of pictures how Ian kissed that old dude.  
I didn't want him to kiss him ever again or to fuck him ever again.  
Yeah, I was jealous as hell! I just... I wanted him all to myself!

We got out of the van and I started taking out the guns and handed them to my brother.  
"Hey, guys! Guys!", Ian hissed, "No fucking guns, alright? It's just a drunk old lady in there!"  
I bit my bottom lip and looked up to the house. If the guy would be in there, I'd use the chance to shoot him. But maybe it was better to go in there without arms.

I put the stuff back and we walked up to the door, while Ian waited in the van.  
While Iggy picked the lock of the door, I looked back to the van, where Ian was waiting.  
"He isn't afraid to kiss me"  
Fucking idiot. Was it that, what it took to make him stop fucking other dudes?  
"Wait here, I forgot something, be right back", I mumbled, the second my brother and cousin entered the house.

I quickly ran back to the van, jumped in, Ian turned his head confused and I just went for it and kissed him.

I felt his soft lips on mine and the feeling went through me, I felt warmth creeping up in every body-part and I hardly ever felt something so good - even though it only lasted for a short while. I needed to go back, and I couldn't chance my brother seeing something.  
But I kissed him.  
Are you happy now?

_And that's how I kissed Ian Gallagher for the first time._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	10. How I got shot for Ian Gallagher, again

The whole heist went terribly wrong.  
Iggy had the brilliant idea to take the big clock from the entry hall - imagine having a whole room just for taking your shoes off!  
That thing probably wouldn't even have fit into the van, but regardless of that, it was way too heavy for the two of us to carry.

Of course, it had to fall on Iggy and be really fucking loud. Ian could probably hear it.  
"Jesus Christ", I mumbled and tried to get the clock down from him when I heard a shrill voice shouting  
"Hey! Fuckers!", then a gun cocked. I turned around to see an old lady on the stairs, poofy white hair and a pyjama, she looked fucking crazy and the shotgun added to it.  
"Oh Fuck!", I hissed and rolled the clock off of Iggy, we quickly ran outside while the woman started shooting and swearing at us.  
I heard a shot and suddenly my ass hurt like crazy, it made me jump up into the air.

"Fuck! No fucking way!" I jumped to the van and heaved my upper body from behind to the front seat.  
"Drive! Drive drive drive drive!"  
"Fuck! You got shot Mickey!"  
"Yes, I fucking know I got shot!" I screamed at him and he finally drove off while the crazy bitch continued to shoot at us.

Ian almost couldn't concentrate on the road, he always looked at me while I hissed and grunted in pain. He was clearly worried, but I couldn't deal with Ian acting gay right now, he was supposed to drive and not kill us in an accident.  
He quickly got his phone and called someone while driving.

"Ned? You need to come to my house, something went wrong! Bring your surgeon stuff, your wife had a fucking gun!"  
Ned? Seriously? Did he just call the guy whose fault this whole fuckery was?

We finally reached Ian's house and Ian and my cousin carried me to the door and Iggy drove off with the van.  
Ian leaned me against the kitchen counter, usually something that happened in another context - a better one!  
"Are you kidding me?", I yelled,  
"Stay there!"  
"Just one fucking old lady huh?", he quickly grabbed something cold and pressed it against my ass.

Another figure entered the room.  
"Well if this isn't the toughest badass fag beater this side of the Chicago river!", I heard old dude's voice, I flipped him off.  
"Fuck off!", I groaned.

Ian stood next to me and held a lamp, the viagroid stood behind me and started to operate the bullets out of my ass.  
I screamed so loudly; the neighbours must've heard it.  
My cousin gave me hard liquor in between.  
The room next door was busy, screaming and crying children, my half-sister jumping around in too big bikinis and someone knocked on the door too fucking loudly.

I screamed and groaned; no hard, not-enough-lube fuck could ever hurt this much!  
Ian's hand lay close to mine and I was close to taking him into a death grip, partly because I just felt like holding his hand while his old boyfriend pulled bullets out of my ass and partly because this was fucking his fault and I wanted to break his hand.

"Almost done Mickey!", he said as Ned pulled one out and I screamed especially loud.  
Then Ned spanked my fucking ass. You fucking prick! I'll break every single finger that you touched my Gallagher with!

After this the redhead shall fucking dare to fuck anyone but me, I just got shot for him! That bitch was mine and it was time that people fucking learned that!

Suddenly the backdoor opened and Fiona stood in the kitchen.  
"Ian! What the fuck?"  
"I can explain this", he said breathlessly.  
"And who are you?", who?

Another voice started to talk from the living room. Child Protective Services. Shit.  
Then Debbie came into the mix as well, screaming about how she almost killed a bitch.  
Fuck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Gallaghers were in the foster system again. And Ian and Lip were put into a level-14.  
"I mean there is just no privacy" Ian complained "If I wanna jack off, I gotta do it in the bathroom."  
I sat the box of melons down on the ground.

"I can't even begin to imagine what a Pussy you'd be in juvie."  
Ian looked at me and threw one of the cans he just restocked. I just caught it and chuckled.

"You fuck anyone in there yet?" I asked, imagining Ian in a house full of thugs made me a little bit jealous, after all, good-for nothing thug was kind of his type. Next to old pathetic losers.

"God, no." Ian grimaced.  
I walked over putting the can Ian threw at me to the other ones in the shelf.  
"Wise choice." I said not looking at the ginger and walked back to the fruits, "Even if you're propositioned, it's probably a setup." I explained "Guys wanna find out if you're gay and pound the shit out of you. Not in a good way."

"Great", Ian stated and gave me a weird look. I hoped, he didn't got that, yes, this happened to me in juvie.

I shot him a quick glance before concentrating on the boxes in front of me again.  
"Hey, my dad took my brothers on a run out of town for a couple of days." The thought suddenly struck my mind and I just said it out loud, this could be my chance of getting Ian away from those guys and at the same time getting to spend more time with him.

It was two days ago that I kissed him, and we hadn't talked about it yet. Not that I wanted to talk about it, but I somehow wished... I wished he would care enough to want to talk about it. Usually he always wanted to talk about shit.  
"So, you wanna ditch that dump and crash at my place, you can"

I didn't look at him while I pretty much asked him to spend the night with me.

"Was I just invited to a Sleepover?", Ian grinned.  
"Fuck you, is what you were invited to"  
I quickly walked to the back of the store, smiling when I heard Ian laugh.


	11. How I was really free with Ian Gallagher for the first time

When Ian finally arrived, I sent him to the living room to choose a movie while I got the food from the oven.  
"You are expecting me to choose between Seagal and Van Damme?" Ian chuckled.

"Shouldn't be a hard choice", I exclaimed, "Seagal would win in a fight any time"  
"Bullshit, it's Van Damme, who would win! Have you seen that guy; he can do like a thousand different martial arts. What's got Seagal, huh?"

I kicked the oven shut with my foot and walked to the living room.

"You are out of your mind! Have you seen that fucking ponytail? It's a powerful ponytail, man. That's bullshit! Seagal could totally kick Van Damme's ass!"

"Unless, unless" Ian said with a newly lit cigarette in his mouth putting the Seagal movie into the DVD player, " It's _Double Impact_ Van Damme."  
I groaned in disagreement.  
"Because that's some _Van double Damn!"_

We both laughed at Ian's silliness and sat on the couch next to each other.  
Ian passed the cigarette over.  
"Wanna fuck Van Damme." I muttered and took a drag from the cig.

We both sat on the couch with a beer in hand, I could feel him looking over to me.  
I liked this, just spending time with him, as friends, watching a movie, drinking, with the nice promise of a good fuck later. I looked at him when I felt him staring. I couldn't resist the smile that crept on my face when he smiled at me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During the whole movie I felt him looking at me occasionally, but I didn't mind.  
The mood between us was extremely tense, but not in an uncomfortable way, more in a hot, sexual way. I was waiting for him to stop looking and start acting.  
I did the step to kiss him and invited him over - his turn.

"Mick- ", he started suddenly but stopped again, bit his bottom lip and looked at me.  
"Yeah?", I asked when he wouldn't continue, "What is it, firecrotch?"  
"Nothing, forget it."  
"Spit it out, Gallagher" I said and faced him.

His eyes flickered to my lips and back to my eyes.  
"You kissed me."  
"Am not fucking afraid of it", I tried to sound nonchalant and shrugged.  
"So..." again he wouldn't fucking finish the sentence, this was driving me mad!  
"So... come on, you're going to high school every day, you know who to build a full sentence, Gallagher."

"Can I kiss you?"  
"You're asking now? Since when are you usually ask- ", Ian effectively shut me up by pressing his lips on mine.  
He hit me in surprise, but I quickly got it together and kissed him back.

It was a longer kiss than the first one.  
He put one hand on my cheek and the other one on my waist, moving his lips against mine.  
Sitting next to each other wasn't enough and it made the kissing position a bit awkward, so he eventually pushed me down on the couch, placing himself on top of me between my legs.  
The kiss became more heated.

The movie continued in the background, neither of us cared. I had one hand on the back of his head, the other one under his shirt, touching his abs and making my way to his jeans.  
I quickly unbuttoned his jeans got his cock out. He gasped into the kiss when I grasped his semi and started pumping him.  
He pulled back an inch and looked at me surprised, the first time I had ever touch his dick, jerked him, was when we had sex against a wall, and he couldn't do it himself because he had his hands full of my ass. Now, I jacked him off, made him hard, because I wanted to.

He moaned softly, "You've got lube here by chance?"  
"You think I thought at any point we'd make it to my room? Under the couch."  
Ian reached down and blindly got lube and a few condoms from under the couch, placed them next to us on the coffee table.

He looked down at me again and I leaned up to reunite our lips in another heated kiss.  
He let his hands run down my body and pushed my shirt up.  
I hardly ever took my shirt off during fucking, it usually just wasn't necessary when we fucked behind dumpsters and under high school bleachers, not even in the store, where he took his shirt off most of the time, he probably knew, that I enjoyed the view.

The ginger pushed my shirt up and quickly disconnected our lips to pull it off and let it land on the ground next to the couch.

Ian bit his bottom lip when he looked my body up and down, let his hands wander over it. He never touched me like this before - I never let him.

He kissed my neck and worked his way down my body over my collar bone, my chest and my stomach, he knelt on the couch between my legs and I had to let go off his dick while he kissed his way down to my jeans.

I was horny and I wanted him to hurry up and fuck me, and kiss me while he fucked me - even though this felt really good.

He opened my pants and pushed them down, undressing me completely and leaving me way too naked in contrast to him.  
"Take your shirt off" I panted, and he grinned and did so -yes way better!

I got my hands on that body.  
Usually, I made sure to look at him as little as possible, touch him as little possible, not show any emotion at all - but here, being alone with him in the house, sure no one would bother us any time soon, I could do it, I was able to kiss him and touch him and look at him.  
This is what freedom must feel like.

I pushed his jeans down as far as I could, he chuckled and took them and his boxers off.

Ian coated his fingers in lube and brought then them down to my ass, circling my hole, teasing me, while he leaned down again and kissed me.

I ran my hands through his red hair and moaned lowly into the kiss when he pushed his fingers into me.  
He thrusted in and out, adding another one quickly. We were both more impatient than usual.

I hissed lightly, when he pushed another finger in, in a quite ungentle manner.  
"What?" Ian panted and searched my face worriedly.  
"Maybe you already forgot but the wife of your grandpa boyfriend shot me in the ass. Careful, will ya?"

Ian chuckled.  
"He's not my boyfriend, Mick." He continued to finger me.  
"Bet he thinks he is" I mumbled and tipped my head back in pleasure, "Fuck, come on, stop playing around down there, get to it."  
Ian grinned and pulled his fingers out; he rolled a condom on and coated his length in lube.

"As if you don't like me fingering you"  
"I like it, but I like fucking more and you gotta make up for that old prick having to operate bullets out of my ass cheek."

Ian leaned over me again and let his lips hover over mine, while he pushed my leg further up.  
"Stop talking about him!" he whispered. I looked up into his green eyes.  
"Stop fucking him!"

There! I said it!  
I asked him to not have sex with that guy anymore! Only with me!  
That should be fucking enough for now!  
Fucking get it, Gallagher, I want you to myself! Understand that. And don't make me fucking say it like that.

He grinned and slowly pushed in, making me moan and tug on his red hair.  
"Okay" he whispered and kissed me again.

I could barely process that he just agreed to not fuck that dude anymore. Ian had immediately hit the right spot and now hit it with every thrust, driving me insane. He went slow, but that didn't make it boring how I thought, I felt every thrust more intense and deeper within me.

Even though I liked it, I could tell he did it because I bitched a few minutes ago. And I didn't want him to think, I'm some soft whining Bitch.  
"That's all you got, Army? Faster"  
"Sure? Don't wanna hurt you"  
"I'm not 78 like-"

Ian slammed inside me harder, drawing a moan and making me interrupt my own sentence.  
"I thought no more talking about him when I stop seeing him" he whispered. 

I barely registered it; this was it! Right there, just like that!

I also didn't notice that I said that out loud, panting and moaning away, while he pounded me into the sofa.  
I jerked my dick in synch to his thrusts.

"Fuck, I'm coming" I panted, and he kissed me again, passionately.  
I still couldn't believe how good it felt to kiss him. It reminded me on our first time when I've gone crazy over every inch of skin that was touching.

I came while he kissed me and moaned into the kiss, I bit his bottom lip lightly, just hard enough for it to still be sexy.

He groaned at the feeling and continued to fuck into me in quick hard thrusts until he came deep inside of me.  
He lay on top of me, slowly coming down from his high.

He eventually pulled out of me, threw the condom to the side and we settled for not moving all too much. I grabbed a blanket from somewhere behind me and draped it over us.

He still lay on top of me, between my legs, head on my chest. I didn't mind. We lazily kept watching the movie that was still on while just enjoying each other's company.

_And that's how I was really free with Ian Gallagher for the first time._


	12. How Ian Gallagher looked away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember in Chapter "How Ian didn't look away" I asked you to pay attention to the title because it's gonna be important/ extra hurtful later?   
> Yeah, we're there. 
> 
> I know you all know what comes next, but I will mention the trigger warning here again. 3x06 in detail

The next morning, we woke up in my bed. Only cuddled up together because my bed was fucking small, okay?!

The night before, I was riding him in my bed. Yeah, riding, never did that shit before, but hell it's fun!  
Also, Ian jerked me off during fucking. While I was occupied with sitting on him bouncing up and down on his cock, while leaning back and gripping his thighs, so I wouldn't fall over, he grasped my cock and jerked me off additionally. I came so hard, my cum flew up until it hit his chest and part of his face - I kissed him though.

He never seemed to get enough of kissing. Even when we weren't fucking anymore, he felt like always touching me somewhere with his lips. I didn't really mind, but it was almost weird how much he was into it.

I woke up from a sudden cold that hit my skin. I didn't bother to open my eyes, hoping I could just keep sleeping. Then there was the sound of a closing door and I was wide awake.

I looked around; Ian was gone. I could still feel on my skin where he had touched me. The sudden cold came from his warm body leaving me.

I slowly got up and grabbed some new boxers from a drawer, put them on and left my room.  
Ian was in the kitchen.

"Oh, hey Mick, you're already up?"  
"What are you doing? Why aren't you fucking sleeping like every other normal human?!" I grumbled.

"Couldn't sleep anymore and needed to piss."  
"Good to know" I mumbled.  
"And I was hungry."  
"Yeah good luck finding something to eat in here" I rolled my eyes.

"Come on Mick, don't be so grumpy, it's a wonderful morning, isn't it?", his wide grin made him look like 15 again, like back then when he visited me in juvie - more even! When we fucked with Mandy in the next room and she was so damn clueless he almost had to laugh out loud. I didn't see him grin like this, happy like this in a long time and I liked to think that I was the reason for this new found happiness. This fucking smile made me fall, or at least think that I fell, in love with him - and I missed seeing it on his freckled face.  
"What, are you going to sing a song now and birds and squirrels come into my kitchen and have an orgy?"  
Ian raised his eyebrows.

"What? Do you think we ever had Disney movies? I only know the porn version of that stuff."  
Ian grinned "They sing in porn now?"  
I shrugged "Not very good. What are you doing there?"

I walked up to him.  
"All you had was eggs, milk I wasn't sure about whether it was still drinkable and bread that already lived on its own. So, I made scrambled eggs for breakfast."

I stared up at him.  
He was making breakfast for us? At first, he slept in my bed, cuddled me and now he was cooking breakfast for the both of us? Did he think we were some gay couple now? Next thing he wants to adopt a little dog and put him into little pink sweaters!

"Hey Mick, you still with me?" Ian chuckled.  
I snapped out of it and looked at him properly.  
"Looked a bit zoned out there. Come on, breakfast is ready."  
He held out a plate to me and I stared at it weirdly before taking it and going to the couch. Ian followed me.

I should tell him, that the whole kissing thing didn't make us a couple. That we weren't boyfriends now and that nothing had changed between us just because of some lips being pressed together... and tongues playing... and teeth grazing over skin.

I didn't really pay that much attention to my breakfast, I mainly looked at Ian and imagined him kissing down my body again like he did last night.

The Ginger sat next to me half naked with his ripped army body and the outline of his cock visible through his boxers.

I didn't brush my teeth yet and should probably take a shower, but the thought of him kissing down my body and pulling my boxers down with his teeth made me forget about that quickly... also I couldn't shake the image of him jerking my cock yesterday while we fucked.

"Hey, Mick, you alright?" Ian chuckled, "you're staring at me like you're about to hump my leg like a dog in heat."

I quickly shook my head to shake the thought away and concentrated on my breakfast. It was simple, but good. You could tell that Ian cooked now and then for his siblings - my train of thought was suddenly interrupted by the ginger's hand on my thigh.

The redhead grinned at me and started rubbing my thigh, he slowly leaned in and placed a kiss on my neck.

I almost let the fork fall out of my hand.  
He started kissing down a trail from my neck over my collarbone. He dominantly pushed me back into the sofa and straddled me, sitting on me, he continued to kiss me down.  
He looked up at me while he slipped down from the couch, he was kneeling in front of me, between my legs.

I started to get hard at the sight alone. His fingers grazed the sensitive skin right above my boxer shorts before pulling them down.

I was mesmerized by his eyes and almost didn't notice what he was doing until he suddenly wrapped his lips around my dick.

Okay, this was completely new. Holy fuck!  
He twirled his tongue around the tip and bobbed his head up and down, taking me in further.

I moaned and tipped my head back, breaking eye contact, but ran my fingers through his red hair, gently tugging on the roots.

It seemed to encourage him, he kept sucking my dick eagerly.  
Suddenly he stopped, inched his way back up but kept stroking my dick with his hands.  
I looked at him disapprovingly. What the fuck?!  
"Lie down on your back" he panted, so I did.

He lost no time, he repositioned between my legs and started to blow me again.  
I just concentrated on that, eyes closed, when I suddenly felt his finger entering my hole  
" fuck yes!" I exclaimed out loud without really meaning to.

It made the ginger chuckle around my dick, sending vibrations through my whole body.  
"Oh, fuck me yes!" I mumbled when he added a second and eventually a third finger. He thrusted in and out quickly while sucking my dick slowly, almost teasingly.

I came quicker than I had time to realise or warn him, so I came in his mouth, shooting my load down his throat.

Ian stopped coughed a bit.  
"Shit, sorry" I mumbled, but he only shot me a wide grin. He pulled his fingers out and wiped his mouth with the other hand.

"I wanted to do that to you for ages already."  
I raised my eyebrows and couldn't help the grin that appeared on my face.  
"Since you're already prepped, how about a quickie before I have to go to work?"

I sat up. I suddenly had an idea. He had wanted to do that for ages... there were things I wanted to do with him... that I fantasized about. We just never had the time...

I licked my lips  
"Wait here, I'll be back in a second."  
I quickly got up and went to my room.  
"What? Where are you going?" The redhead chuckled.  
I fumbled with my floorboards in my room until got one up and grabbed the plastic bag in the hiding spot underneath it.

I got my Ben wa beads out... while I used them, I had fantasized more than just once about Ian using them on me.  
It was worth the try, test the waters, see if he was up for it.

I walked back.  
"Alright I gotta get to work." He said when I came back.  
"Yeah, just, in a minute okay?"  
He got up from the couch and I showed him the beads.

"You wanna do the honours?"  
He took them confused.  
"Is that a rosary for giants?"  
"No, man, no they're... my Ben wa beads. You shove them in my ass and pull them out real slow."

He stared at me with wide eyes and looked from the beads to me and back. I was satisfied with his facial expression.

"How is that fun for me?" He grinned.  
I grinned at him too. Come on you could at least do that for me, I kissed you after all. And showing you this alone, is kinda a big deal.

"Oh, come on" I chuckled he threw the beads on the couch where they fell down to the floor. He pushed me on the couch. He was still hard from sucking me off. I could see the excitement in his eyes. He replaced the beads on the couch next to me and got behind me.

He rubbed his erection lightly between my ass cheeks.  
"Alright, just easy on the injured cheek."  
"I'll go on the other one." He reassured me and slicked his dick up, losing no time before pushing into me.

I grunted lowly.  
He went slow but hard.

Suddenly I heard the door opening.  
I didn't even need to turn my head, to see who it was, I could feel it by my stomach turning.

"Fuck" Ian cursed and got away from me.  
"Shit"

"What the fuck?!"

The blood froze in my veins.  
My heart rate picked up, I felt like someone had knocked me to the ground with full force - I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move.

Ian panicked as well, quickly put his boxers on. I was stuck in my head, screaming inside. I knew what would come now. He would kill us, both of us, maybe just me if we were lucky.  
My body worked on its own, covering me with my boxers, putting them on while talking to my dad in a pleading tone.

"Dad! Dad hold on! Hold on!" I can explain this, it's not what it looks like, please don't hurt him!  
But he just started screaming at Ian.

"What Mandy wasn't enough for you?" And he started beating him.  
Ian fell back on the opposite couch; I saw blood on his chest and his nose.  
"You sick piece of shit!"

No.  
Don't hurt him! Don't fucking hurt him, not Ian! Please, don't hurt him.  
I panicked, I needed to do something, I needed to stop him.

I couldn't think straight, my mind wasn't on the gun cabinet, not on the knives in the kitchen or the baseball bat by the window.  
My mind was just on Ian.

So, I jumped my dad, tried to pull him off of Ian, tried to make him stop, just stop!  
"Get the fuck off him! Get the fuck off him!"

That only seemed to enrage him more.  
I managed to pull him back, but fell on the couch in the process, my dad on top of me.  
He got up and I tried to roll down from the couch to get away from him, but he was faster and stronger, he held me down, held me in place on the couch.

I tried to push him away from me. Reached my arms out towards him, trying to hold him away from me as far as possible. But it was no use, he managed to land a punch anyways.  
I could barely feel the pain over all the panic I felt.

I pleaded and grunted, but he kept beating, hitting, punching me for dear life.  
"No son of mine is gonna be a goddamn AIDS monkey!", he grunted.  
I couldn't see Ian, I only had my dad's hateful face in front of me, his fist coming down on me again and again.

"Sit your ass down!", he suddenly pulled a gun out of his pants and I could see, he pointed it at Ian, while holding me down with the other hand.  
Ian stood half-naked in the middle of the room and stared at dad and the gun.  
"Fucking ass-digger!"  
The redhead slowly backed off to his previous spot again, a trail of blood went from his nose down to his chest. He was hurt, I didn't care about my dad beating the shit out of me, but how dared he to lie a finger on Ian? My Ian!  
I tried to hit his face, push him off of me, but now I could feel the pain in every movement I tried to make.

When Ian had sat down again, clearly terrified, dad landed one last hit with the handle of his gun and everything went black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I got my consciousness back, dad made me sit up. My whole body was pulsating, My face just hurt, and I wondered, if I looked half as dead as I felt.  
I could see Ian sitting in the arm chair next to the couch I sat on.

He was still alive, and dad didn't seem to have touched him any further.  
At least something good. Maybe he would survive this thing okay.

A harsh knock on the door caught my attention. I looked over to the door.  
Dad opened and I expected one of my uncles or some other hitman to come in to kill me, us.

But it was a woman. A woman with dark hair and a short, skin-tight dress. From the looks, she was clearly a hooker.  
I didn't understand what was going on. What was he doing? What cruel torture did my dad think of as punishment?

The woman entered the living room and looked from me to Ian and back. No emotion displayed on her face.  
"That one", dad said to her.

Me?  
At least, whatever would happen now, he would take out his anger and hate on me, nothing would happen to Ian, right? It was the only thing I could think of; this was my fault, Ian being hurt was my fault, I couldn't let him be hurt any more!

The girl came towards me.  
I looked at her.

"She's gonna fuck the faggot out of you, kid!"

I took a deep breath.  
In my head I screamed and pleaded and begged her to not do it, asked him to not do it. In my head, I cried and fought her off and begged Ian to help me.  
Just help me, please!  
But I didn't say a word.  
If I had learned one thing from my childhood, it was that: if you comply, he's gonna stop sooner. If you do so much as flinch, he's gonna hit you even more. Because he couldn't have weak sons. And he couldn't have gay sons. And right now, I was both.

I could barely see her face, she stood against the window and the light, I couldn't move me head so far up to see it, but I doubted she even minded.  
"Ride him till he likes it, _suka_."  
She took the dress off and I wanted to shove her off, fight her, push her away before she could touch me. But I didn't. I couldn't.

"And you're goddamn gonna watch!", he grunted towards Ian.  
The girl took my boxers off, I lifted my hurting body up, so she could do it. If I played the part, it would stop. If I played the part, he would let Ian go. If I played the part, he'd be convinced I was straight and let me alone with it. If I played the part - maybe it would become truth.

She sat on me. My whole body hurt, every movement I made, every time she moved.  
She started rubbing herself on me, I could feel her body on me, and I wanted to throw up.  
I looked at Ian.

Maybe, if I looked at him, I could get hard and fuck this girl and get it over with. Maybe if I looked at him, I would... I don't know what I was looking for. Maybe I looked for him to reassure me with his eyes, that it's gonna be okay. Maybe I looked for some kind of comfort, any kind of comfort. Maybe I looked for some kind of hero that would show me, we'd get through this.

So, I looked at him and he looked at me.  
He only looked sad; he was on the verge of tears. No strength, no comfort, no reassurances.  
Nothing. I kept looking at him. I had to look at him, because I needed him. I needed him to get through this.

But then he suddenly broke eye contact.  
And he turned his head and he looked away.

He looked away, knowing I had told him this would happen.  
He looked away, not being strong enough to watch it.  
He looked away, not being able to look at me, while I had to go through this.  
He looked away, letting me alone with this.

I needed him and he just turned away.  
So, I swallowed down my feelings for him, my panic, my fear, my pain.  
I could fuck girls, did it often enough, I could force myself to do it, done it before to convince everyone I was straight. And if not even Ian could see this and help me, not even with just a fucking look, then I could do it myself.

I concentrated on getting hard, used every dirty thought I could muster, trying to forget the situation and who was why on me. I put my hands on her waist and I hated myself for touching her. I pushed her underneath me on the couch and started thrusting my dick into her. And I felt never more disgusting in my life.

But in the end dad let Ian go, and he didn't look at me once.


	13. How Ian Gallagher hurt me for the first time

I ran away.  
Same night.  
Not fully ran away, I just went into hiding, like I always did after dad beat me up like this.  
I hid in the old, abandoned buildings where Ian and I used to meet up sometimes.

It took Ian almost two days to send the first message. And I wish he wouldn't have at all.

_Ian: wanna meet up?_

"Wanna meet up?" after everything that had happened, he wanted to meet up. How casually he had texted that! Did he really think, we would just go on like this now? Just keep fucking in secret? After my dad just caught us? Alone at the thought of being touched by anyone I wanted to puke.

Almost every night I lay in bed, sleepless or I would have nightmares. Nightmares of dad beating me up, nightmares of dad beating Ian up, killing him... nightmares about her. Way too many nightmares about her.

I had my gun with me. I slept on the cold hard ground of the buildings in the dirt most nights. I went on and off sleeping, and I didn't sleep any better or worse than in my bed. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see her, and I could see Ian facing away from me.

I had my gun with me.  
I shot at a doll that sat on a chair a few feet away from me.

Fucking coward.  
Shot.  
Can't fucking take it to look at me?  
Shot.  
Try to fucking sit there and be the one that shit happens to!  
Shot.  
Don't even ask if I'm okay!  
Shot.  
Don't fucking care!  
Shot.  
Why don't you fucking care?  
Shot.  
I fucking love...  
Shot.  
Shot.

I suddenly heard footsteps.  
I stopped when I saw red hair walking up to me.  
My eyes followed him, until he leaned against the wall next to me.

"So, thanks to me, you've been pistol-whipped and shot in the ass."

Did you just joke about it?  
Shot.  
Did you fucking joke about it?  
Shot.  
Did you just-  
Shot. Shot.

"Just wanted to make sure you're okay"  
Shot.  
I'm fucking not!  
Shot.  
Isn't that obvious?  
Shot.

"Yeah, I can't stop thinking about it"  
Oh really?  
Shot.  
"What happened..."  
Shot.

"Could you at least look at me?", he yelled.  
Why did you yell at me?  
Shot.  
Why are you mad at me?  
Shot.  
Why me?  
shot.

"Fine", he said finally and started walking to the stairs.  
Shot.  
Yeah, fucking leave again.  
Leave me alone!

Fuck you!

_And that's how Ian Gallagher hurt me for the first time._


	14. How I hurt Ian Gallagher for the first time

It wasn't Ian's fault.  
Of course, he couldn't just watch it... I couldn't have watched it if it were reverse.  
I would've done everything to stop it from happening, I would've tried at least!  
But I couldn't ask that of Ian.  
I would never ask that of Ian.  
I wouldn't want Ian to put himself at risk like that.

I walked around the living room, not knowing what to do with myself.  
My mind was constantly on Ian.  
I was so stupid, being mad at him. The thought of him being hurt by my dad made breathing harder.  
Maybe it was better if he just stayed away.

Yeah, it was better if he just stayed away from me.  
I wasn't good for him, not good enough and not good in any other way.  
He needed guys like this Ned or anyone who wasn't such a fucking coward like me. Anyone who didn't had such a fucking family like me. He needed someone he could be with without fearing to be beaten up. He needed to be with someone, who would never let him be hurt.

"Mickey."  
I froze mid-step.  
My dad's voice inflicted panic deep in my gut.  
I faced him without really looking at him.

I saw someone standing next to him, a woman.  
I stared from her to my dad and back, feeling the fear creeping up my spine again.  
Was I sleeping again? Nightmares are for little fucking girls, bitch, snap out of it!

"You remember Svetlana?"  
Svetlana? I didn't know her name before.  
He didn't tell me her name before; my mind couldn't randomly come up with a name - I was fucking living my nightmares.

"Sit."  
I swallowed and sat down on the couch.  
Dad and Svetlana walked over.  
"I tell you the situation here, kid. Svetlana is knocked up."

I bit my bottom lip.  
Why would that be my fucking problem? Get an abortion and stop bothering me. I wish I wouldn't have come back from my building today.  
"By you", Dad kept talking.

I stared at him.  
Yeah, right. A random whore is pregnant and from all the people she fucked during the last view weeks, it was me who knocked her up. I think the fuck not!  
But I didn't say anything.  
What was I supposed to say?

"You're gonna marry her."  
I stared at him.  
No.  
No I'm not.  
Sure, as fucking shit not!

Svetlana looked down at me. I still couldn't read her face. Maybe she just didn't possess any emotions. She just stared back at me completely cold.  
"Did you hear me?"  
I swallowed and took a deep breath, "Ye-yeah."  
"Are you happy about that?"  
I pressed my lips together.  
"Sure", I pressed out, "We should drink to this, right?", I mumbled and got up.

I walked into the kitchen and got my hands on the first booze I could find. I was in the mood to down a whole fucking bottle of Jägermeister now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marry her.  
Marry _HER._

It's been a week since my dad told me about his plans and I haven't been sober since.  
I sat in the abandoned building again. An empty beer bottle stood in one of the window-holes and I threw pebbles at it, missing constantly.  
Nothing new. Always failing.

I haven't talked to Ian in weeks, not a word or a text. I also didn't want to see him or talk to him.  
How was I supposed to fucking explain this? Would I even be able to explain this? I wouldn't even be able to say anything to him. Especially nothing along the lines of "I'm marrying the whore who was supposed to fuck me straight."  
By now I accepted that Ian and I were over. If he was lucky, we would never see each other again.

As if on cue, someone entered the building. Of course, it was the Gallagher.  
"So, is it true? You're getting married?", he asked.

How did he know about this? Did Mandy tell him?  
Why was he here? To talk me out of it?  
No problem, I didn't want to do it anyways, but what fucking choice did I have?

"So, who is it? Angie Zahgo or some other piece of trash you screw so you can pretend I don't matter to you?"

What was he getting at?  
Why would he... didn't he know who I would marry? Wasn't it fucking obvious?  
What was this little performance here?

I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say, what was I supposed to say?  
He walked over to the window and took the glass bottle to throw it through the room, shattering it on the ground.

"Hey, what the fuck, Gallagher?!"  
"Oh!", he exclaimed, "He speaks!"

You fucking... why did he have to make all of this even harder?  
Wasn't he supposed to make it easier?  
I fucking... feelings. Fucking feelings. Too many of them to form coherent sentences or use verbs and he just screamed around! He just screamed, as if my head wouldn't be loud enough already!  
As if all of this fuckery wouldn't be hard enough yet!  
What was wrong with him? Why didn't he help me?

I got up and walked away. I had to just get away. Just get away from him.  
I left the building, but he followed me.

"So that's it? We're over? Your dad beats the shit out of us and now you're just gonna get married, no conversation? Nothing?"  
Beats the shit out of us? I pulled him down from him, I did everything I could so he wouldn't hurt him anymore! How could he act, like the exact same thing happened to us? How could he act like... Why did he act like this was my fault?

He tried to grab my arm and turn me around to him.  
I flinched away from his touch, flinched away because I felt his fingers burning me through my clothes. All I could feel was my dad beating on me until I passed out, all I could feel was Svetlana on me. I felt the memories on my skin, and I couldn't bear to be touched by him, I just couldn't!

I shoved him away from me. He tried to get near me again, stepped forwards, to do fucking what? What did he want from me here, now?  
"Get the fuck off me", I shoved him again, harder this time.  
Just fucking go! I couldn't be around him, anymore. I couldn't be around him, without seeing it in front of my eyes, without hearing my dad's voice and seeing him beating him and feeling Svetlana touching me. I needed to be away from him. And he needed to be away from me. Away from me and my dad.

"What, now you wanna fag-bash? That gonna make you feel like a man?"  
Why are you saying this?  
At first he made fun of me, then he tried to fucking guilt-trip me for dad making me marry that whore and now... what?  
What was this comment supposed to be, Ian?  
Who are you? Why would he say something like this?  
What is it?

Men don't get raped.  
Was it that?  
Was it that, what he wanted to tell me?  
That it was indeed my fault?  
As if I wasn't beating myself up on this enough already.

He just kept screaming. I just heard my dad screaming.  
He made it worse!  
Why did he make everything just worse?  
He used to make everything better, why did he make everything worse?

"Come on! Go ahead! Do it!", he screamed at me and pointed at his face. And I wanted to punch him, but I didn't want to hurt him, but I needed him to go away and he wouldn't if I didn't hurt him.  
So, I punched him in the stomach.

I took a step back.  
"Fuck" I mumbled. He looked hurt. I didn't want to hurt him.  
I never would want to hurt him. I needed to get away from here, from him, now. Just away. I needed to be alone so my head would stop spinning. I needed to drink more, so I would get rid of those fucking pictures in my head.

He knelt on the ground.  
"You love me", I heard his voice, the word burns my head like acid, I looked at him "And you're gay. Just admit it. Just this once"  
He slowly got up on his feet again.

Yeah!  
Alright, yes, you're right!  
He figured it out but what am I supposed to do?  
I love you, fucking hell, I loved you for years already - but what was I supposed to do? Run away into the sunset with him?  
I loved him so much and he got hurt because of me. I loved him so much, and I hurt him!

I couldn't do this!  
I had to marry Svetlana; I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't love him and I couldn't want him, I couldn't anymore. It would be the death of both of us and I couldn't chance my dad hurting him again.

"Just this once, fucking admit it!"  
Why would I admit that to him? Why would I say that out loud after everything that happened? Where am I supposed to take that fucking strength from? From him? He only broke me down even more right now.

I punched him in the face. He fell down to the ground again.  
From what I grew up with, there was no talking about it. We don't let feelings out and hold long speeches about love. We land a punch and die alone.

Ian groaned on the ground to my feet.  
I wanted to walk away again, Just get away before I hurt him even more.

"You feel better now? Feel like a man?"

Feel like a man?  
I looked down at him.  
I saw flashbacks in front of my eyes.  
My dad above me, hate on his face, bringing his fist down on my face again and again, not being able to speak, feeling suffocated, blood rushing, feeling my heart beat through my chest.  
Svetlana touching me, rubbing herself on me, looking at me, her fingers, her body  
And Ian was making fun of all that!

How could he make fun of me and guilt me for it? He was supposed to be the good one! He was the good thing in my life, the only good thing!  
Now I needed him to just vanish, disappear from it!

I kicked him against the jaw, hard. Blood was running over his face and a tooth flew through the air.  
Maybe this would keep him away.  
Hopefully this would keep him away.

I took the booze, that fell down to the ground at some point, and began to walk away  
"I feel better now!"

_And that's how I really awfully hurt Ian for the first time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the constant jumping between "he" and "You" in this might be kinda confusing, but I wanted to emphasis the chaos in Mickeys head


	15. How Ian Gallagher would never understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS!   
> watch "Hollywood" on Netflix! It's Ryan Murphy's absolute masterpiece - it has everything feminism, dealing with racism (against black and Asian people) sexism and homophobia   
> The main characters are a black, gay man, a halfasian man in an interracial relationship, a black woman, and a straight, white sex worker 
> 
> And Jim Parsons (Sheldon, Big Bang Theory) is absolutely BRILLIANT is this show! I enjoyed his acting the most, it's amazing that they give him a chance to show all of his acting skills (and say fuck) 
> 
> Ryan Murphy (American Horror Story, POSE, Glee) really outdid himself with this one, the show is on Netflix. It's so fucking good.

I cried for hours. I wasn't proud of it.  
I had hid in one of the buildings in a corner and just cried. Hands pressed on my ears, but I could hear their voices though. I completely broke down in a way I never thought would be possible.

I had a panic attack, that's what it was, and I was all alone.  
There was no Ian and there never would be again.  
I was all alone.

But after a good week I understood, I've always been alone.  
Before I met Ian, I've been alone, and I survived that. Even with Ian, I've been alone most of the time, because I wouldn't let him in, not really.  
Now I did let him in, when he slept at my place, and it was my biggest mistake.

I wanted to be held by him, comforted and protected, just once in my life!  
I needed to be touched by him in a protective way, just once in my life, I needed to feel his arms around me, I needed to feel like everything would be okay and he would be the one who makes it okay, just once!

But I was all alone.

And it was okay because that's how it always has been and I survived so far and I would just go on surviving, not living, just surviving.  
There was a fine line between living and surviving.

Living was being with Ian, watching movies at my house, playing x-box games together with him and Mandy, while he tried to not laugh his ass off, because she didn't notice we just fucked in the next room.  
Living was, waking up and seeing Ian in my kitchen trying to make a breakfast out of the emptiness of a poor guy's fridge.  
Living was, running away with Ian through alley ways, chasing each other, after having just beaten up his other affair. Living was kissing him. 

Surviving was drinking with my dad to my impending wedding to a woman who raped me to make me straight.  
Surviving was, sleeping in one bed with her while having nightmares about her touching me.  
Surviving was, playing daddy to her child that may or may not be my rape-child and pretending to be happy about having a kid with that woman.  
Surviving was, beating Ian up for the awful things he said, hoping he wouldn't come back and be never hurt by my dad again.  
Surviving was, never being able to live again and knowing it.

_And this is what it's like being a Milkovich and Ian Gallagher would never understand._


	16. How I was so naive to think Ian Gallagher could understand

Dad planned the whole wedding thing.

Svetlana had pretty much moved in overnight.  
I got a bigger room, my brother's old room. It took me forever to put all my old posters up. Svetlana made me take all my Nazi-shit down, she hates Nazis.

I hate them too, but guess what, your new daddy-in-law is one, you ain't got a choice in this house. But apparently Svetlana could do whatever she wanted. Terry didn't give a fuck.

Only once he said to me, "She's your bitch, you gotta keep her in line."  
But I had no interest in keeping her in line, not that I actually could do anything to her. Alone seeing her made my blood freeze in my veins, still. And I had to sleep next to her every night.  
I never went to bed sober.

I entered the building the wedding would take place in.  
Rows of chairs were already placed. Mandy had helped with that apparently.  
In the end of the made up aisle was a banner saying  
"Mickey & Svetlana 4ever" with a fucking tiny heart on the i in my name.  
I wanted to throw up and light the thing on fire.

How come, no one here, really no one, got what was actually going on?  
Mandy was blind, yes, but that blind?  
When she learned I would get married, she freaked out.

For a second, I had hoped Ian would've told her what was going on, but he hadn't. She just freaked out about me ruining my life by marrying some whore I knocked up. But how could she think, I actually did this whole fuckery voluntarily?

Now she was actually "proud" that I took responsibility for "my child" and she thought, it was actually "sweet".  
I wonder what would happen, if I would just tell her.  
Would she do something? Would she help me?  
When did I become so desperate that I wanted my little sister to help me out of this mess?  
But... she just ran over her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend with a car, if I would've just told her at any point about me and Ian, she would've found a way to stop this wedding.

Now it was too late.

The suit I was wearing was too big and it felt itchy – I wanted to tear it off my body.  
I paced around the room, I'm not sure what kind of room it was, but it was the only one without any other fucking people in it. And I needed a fucking smoke.

Suddenly the door opened.

Ian ran in, he stopped abruptly when he saw me and so did I.  
What was he doing here? Why would he come back? And how did he know when and where this shit would – Mandy, yeah, alright.  
But why would he come back again?

There was a moment of just staring at each other. I was actually glad to see him; I'd always be happy to see him when it comes down to it.  
"You call me a punk for wanting a boyfriend or whatever", he started, I couldn't take another round of guilt tripping, not now, not minutes before I had to marry a person I hated. "But you're gonna marry someone, who screws guys for a living?

Did he still think I fucking _wanted_ to do this?  
"Who gives a shit it's a fucking piece of paper!", because that's what it was, wasn't it?  
If Ian actually decided to come back, maybe he really wanted to be with me, really felt things I felt for years.  
If he came back now, maybe we could go on and maybe this wouldn't have to end just now.  
But that little hopeful voice in my head was laughed at by all the others.

He shook his head slowly, "Not to me"  
I scoffed. What was I supposed to do? Pull him in front of my dad and the guests and just marry him instead? Did he think it would be that fucking easy?  
He sighed and turned around to leave again.

I didn't want him to leave. I needed him and I needed to at least tell him that, tell him that I'm sorry for hurting him. I had to make him understand, that I wouldn't do this if I had any other choice. That I would choose him if I could. But I couldn't.  
He couldn't go before he understood that.

"Hey come on, look, just because I'm getting hitched doesn't mean, we can't still bang. Okay? Alright?"  
It was the only thing I dared to say about this topic. I wasn't sure if I could get emotional with him now, without breaking down and who knows what would happen then. In my stupidity I could try to run away with him, if that was his fucking romantic fantasy here, but my dad would find us and kill us both. I knew that and he should know too.

He turned around again and took a deep breath. I obviously said the wrong thing, but he said a thousand wrong things in the past weeks and they were far worse.  
"If you give half a shit about me- ", he came towards me again.  
"Hey, hey" I put my hand on his chest, keeping him at distance just for my own safety.

If I give half a shit about you?  
I fell in love with you almost two years ago, when you visited me in juvie, you prick.  
If I give half a shit about you?  
I'd do anything to not loose you and I would do anything to keep you away from my dad, doing both is almost impossible.  
If I give half a shit about you?  
How can you just not know any of this?

"Half... Don't do this."  
I don't have a choice, Gallagher, I just don't.  
I looked at him, he looked at me pleadingly.

This isn't fair, none of this was fair.  
It was not fair of him, to look at me like that, how am I supposed to respond to that?  
Why couldn't he understand that I would run away into the motherfucking sunset with him. I would, if we'd live in a romantic comedy, but we didn't. This was reality. And reality goes on after the ending credits. And after the ending credits dad would find us and do worse than his broken nose, a cut on his chest and raping me. He was always the one who could do even worse.  
And even if I wouldn't care at all about my own life, and I cared very little about that, who was he, to think I would let that happen to him?

His role in this was easy.  
He was the one who knew all the background info on the situation, he was the one, left in sadness seeing his lover marry someone else. He was the sad, tragic character everyone felt for and I was the asshole for leaving him on the side and marrying someone else despite this look he gave me and the words he said.

But this wasn't a movie. And this wasn't a Taylor Swift song.  
This was me trying to survive and making sure he could live with someone else.

I remembered, when we were on that roof top and he told me, what he saw in that geriatric viagroid.  
"He isn't afraid to kiss me"  
That seemed to be fucking easy by now, that whole going back and forth and working myself up about a kiss, seemed so fucked up now, it was so fucking unimportant compared to all the stuff that was going on.

I remembered, how only when I was alone with him, I could feel free and safe enough to admit to myself that I fell in love with him and that I wanted to be with him and kiss him. Back then, when being alone with him loosed up this mindset that was pounded into me by my dad, he used to make me free.  
It used to be so effortless with him, when it was just us, and no one would catch us. Everything seemed to be possible when we were alone, that's what it used to feel like.

All of this seemed so long ago, and I was just tired. So much shit stood between me and him and that rooftop.  
Now all I could see was blood and cuts and all I could hear, was the sound of a fist coming down on bones, breaking them, all I could feel was Svetlana.  
I wanted to be a bit free again. One last time if that's how it had to be.

I needed to kiss him again, be it the last time or not, to just show him how much he meant to me. I kissed him back then, because he meant so much to me and I didn't want him to fuck the other dude anymore. Maybe it would remind him on who was standing in front of him.

I wasn't Ned. I wasn't about to marry a woman to fake a life and fuck teenagers while pretending to be a respected rich dude with loving wife and children because I fucking could.

I was Mickey, who was too afraid to kiss him for years, because kissing meant showing emotions and because I didn't want to fall too much for him, even though I already did.  
Mickey, who was forced to do this and would never give a crap about a knocked up hand whore and who would never want to hurt you like I did.  
Mickey, who would never lie to you. I would never lie to you about a wife or a child. I would never lie to you about anything.  
I just couldn't always say everything you wanted to hear.

So, I kissed him to remind him on that.  
Hoping he could understand everything I wanted to tell him, while I couldn't tell him.

_And that's how I was so naïve to think Ian Gallagher could understand._


	17. How Mandy did what Ian Gallagher couldn't do

"God damn, Gallagher", I grinned and put my suit jacket back on.  
The kiss had turned into making out and I might've pulled him over to some table and let him fuck me.  
It felt so good to be touched by him again. Replacing the memory of Svetlana with his fingers on my skin again. He's what I needed, what I would always need, the only thing I'd always need.  
"I gotta get you pissed off more often.", turned out Ian was an even better fuck, when he was angry.

"So, what are we gonna do?", he asked, closing his pants up and handing me the cigarette in his hands. _We_? "Are you gonna tell everyone to leave?"  
Leave?  
Didn't you understand anything after all?

"No", why would he think, something about the overall fucked-up-ness of the situation had changed, "I'll go get this shit over with and you can wait here for me. Shouldn't take longer than an hour alright? You better be ready for round two!"

I was naïve, yeah, a naïve little fuck, to think he would understand anything. Understand that I wanted him and needed him with me. That I needed to know he was still here, when I came back. That I had to marry this woman even though I'd give a lot to not have to do it.

I walked back into the room and took a drag from my cigarette.  
He followed me, looking confused.  
"You aren't seriously going through with this are you?"

"Why are you acting like I got a choice in this?", I finally asked. The question was in my head the whole time already.

"This is bullshit.", he said. Bullshit! Bullshit? What would he fucking do in my position?  
"Listen to me Mickey! Your dad is an evil psychotic prick! You're just gonna let him ruin your life?", he yelled.  
"Oh, you can grow the fuck up!", I yelled, he was making me angry, I couldn't understand him anymore, I just couldn't understand him anymore, what was up with him? Where was my firecrotch from our rooftop? "Don't act like you know a thing about my dad!"  
"Are you fucking kidding me?"  
"Not everybody gets to just- ", I stopped.

I loved him. I wanted to tell him, I needed to tell him that. There was so much I needed to say, but I just couldn't.  
I was weak, I was a coward. I was a pathetic broken piece of shit and I probably didn't even deserve him!  
So, I just said, what I could say. The only true thing that was left, the truest thing I could bring myself to say out loud:

"Not everybody get's to just blurt out how they fucking feel every minute."

I said calmly.  
I feel so much for you; I just can't say it. Understand that. At least that!  
And I could swear, I saw in his eyes, that he did understand what I was trying to say. I imagined; he actually understood this time.

I looked at him sadly and he looked back, with the same emotions in his eyes, I was feeling.

The door opened a second time.  
Ian was facing away, biting his lips, blinking furiously, while Mandy eyed us confused.

"Everyone's looking for you"  
"I'm having a fucking smoke is that all right?", I answered aggressively.  
I shook my head, threw the thing to the ground and left the room.

"You just got here?", I heard Mandy ask Ian and oh, how I fucking wished we would've told her. How I wished, she would've walked in sooner, seeing us, getting what was happening, understanding.

I just needed one fucking person here to understand!

The bridesmaids were Svetlana's "co-workers" in tight ugly pink dresses. One of them started the awful music from a boombox. It sounded like a death marsh to me.

I could see Ian, getting up from his chair, staring at Svetlana with as much disgust as I was feeling. She grinned to her co-workers, yeah, she could be fucking happy about this. Marrying an American and having an American child, for her, this was a perfect arrangement. For me it was hell – but why would she care?  
I noticed one of the men behind her looking at her ass and I thought, bitch if you want her, fucking have at it, take my fucking place. But I just faked a smile while she approached me.

Ian looked at me so sadly, I needed to force myself to look away.  
It would've been almost enough for me to run away from Svetlana and run to him instead, almost enough. Just from those fucking eyes I never wanted to see this saddened. But my dad was standing closer to me than Ian. And this was surviving, not living.

Svetlana took my hand, grinning, smiling. I forced myself to look at her, but from the corner of my eye I could see Ian getting up from his chair again and walking to the bar, pouring a clear liquid into a red cup and I wanted to take the cup and down it myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Svetlana and I left the wedding early. I couldn't stay there with Ian getting drunk and breaking down. I couldn't watch that.

The first thing I did when we were home, was to get the hardest liquor we had and down as much as I could at once.  
I coughed violently. This was fucking awful, but I deserved the burning in my throat.

I just wanted to fucking sleep now and die in my bed.  
Ian hadn't even looked this hurt, when I beat the shit out of him.  
He had never looked this hurt and upset when he was with me. And now he was this hurt because of me.

I walked back into the bedroom, the bottle still in my hand.  
Svetlana sat on the bed grinning at me, she got up and stood in front of me when I closed the door and leaned against it.

I didn't want her this close; I couldn't take being this close to her.  
I could smell her cheap perfume, and, in my head, pictures flashed up, pictures of her in that tight purple dress, from that one day.

"No", I finally choked out when she raised a hand to open the buttons on my shirt.  
It was the most pathetic sound I've ever made, and I probably looked as pathetic I sounded. She gave me a long look; I still couldn't read into it and it freaked me out.  
"Don't touch me" I begged, I fucking begged her, I was a broken down, pathetic faggot. I just fucking married a woman in front of the boy I loved. I couldn't be touched by her, not again, not now.

She let her hand sink down again.  
"It's the carrot boy, is it?", she said in her thick accent and I think, it was the first time she actually said something directly to me, just to me. From one person to another without some judging bystander.  
"Yeah", I whispered.  
She looked me up and down, as if she was judging me... evaluating me.

"You must take care of me and baby."  
I pressed my body to the door, trying to melt into it and get away from her somehow.  
"No place for carrot boy when baby comes."  
I blinked a few times and looked up to the ceiling.  
I didn't know what to say. Ian probably wouldn't come back anyways; he probably didn't want me anymore.  
So, I just nodded.

She looked at me for another long moment. Then she shrugged and walked back to the bed, took her shoes off, let her hair down and started to dress into her sleeping clothes.  
At least she stopped grinning like at the wedding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sat in the living room, getting drunk.  
Svetlana was sleeping and I still wore that awful suit, when the door opened, and Mandy walked in.  
She looked angry, angry at me, she stormed in, threw the door shut and came over. She wanted to start yelling as I faced her. I had cried, I knew I looked fucking awful.

Within a second, Mandy's face softened, and she sat down next to me, leaning against my shoulder.  
"Ian told me", she whispered, and I made a chocked up sound.

"He was drunk and screamed at Lip, I just heard. He said, you were fucking for years. He said, he loves you."  
My lips started to quiver, he loved me? He said, that he loved me? Why couldn't he say that to me, when I needed to hear it?  
Ian loved me. And I probably ruined it forever.

She looked at me and suddenly wrapped her arms around me. She comforted me.  
My little sister comforted me. That never happened before. Usually, it was the other way around. No one ever comforted me.

"Do you love him?", she whispered.  
I wrapped my arms around her and leaned into the hug she gave me.  
"Yeah", I whispered, I could feel tears streaming out of my eyes again, it was the first time I admitted that to anyone. And I hated myself for not saying to Ian personally.

"What's up with Svetlana then?"  
I hugged her tighter. I finally got a chance to tell someone. I needed to tell someone. We Milkoviches, we don't talk about things. We respond with violence; we don't talk it out. We don't know anything else.  
But I felt so weak, there was no strength for violence, for fighting.

"Dad made her fuck me, to fuck the faggot out of me. Ian had to watch."  
She rubbed my back and I could hear her breath stopping for a moment, even she was shocked about it.  
I wished we would've told her about us. I wished she would've known about us.  
But now, she was here, and she comforted me. And I talked about it for the first time and I cried about Svetlana and Ian and she just sat there with me and comforted me.  
She gave me what I needed for weeks.

_And that's how Mandy did what Ian Gallagher couldn't do._


	18. The moment I lost Ian Gallagher

I calmed down.  
It's been two months since the wedding.  
Two months since seeing Ian.

I sometimes asked Mandy about him, tried to play it down. Tried to sound nonchalant, tried to seem like I don't care, what was bullshit, since she knew, that I cared, now.  
Her answers were short and didn't really answer anything.

I was in my room, Svetlana was at work, Terry was out, it was just Mandy and me.  
Someone knocked on the door.  
"I go!", I heard Mandy yell.

Probably her big new boyfriend. Kenya something.  
I heard her talking to someone but couldn't hear the second voice.  
"Who's at the goddamn door?"  
"It's for me shithead!"

For her? And she didn't fuck 'em yet?  
A little hopeful voice following, I walked into the living room, when Mandy passed my room to get something from her's.  
There he stood, the redheaded Gallagher.

Ian came back.  
He was here, maybe to see Mandy and not me, but he was here.  
I still had Mandy's voice in mind, _He said, he loves you_

"Hey", I said, he turned around to me.  
I showed the weights in my hand, "Up to four sets twenty."  
I didn't know what I was supposed to say, I was just happy to see him.  
Two months of acting like I didn't care and there he was again, standing in front of me.  
I was happy, really fucking happy, just because he stood in my living room.  
But the look he gave me was somehow... cold.

I couldn't stop smiling while I looked at him.  
"Get in here I wanna show you something. Come on, check it out."  
I walked back to by room. He hesitated before following me.

I showed him my new room.  
I didn't know why, I just felt like letting him into my life. I wanted him in my life. So here it is, on full display, ready for you to come back into it.  
Please, I beg you.

I just kept babbling, not caring about what I said. Maybe I should've minded my own words.  
I called Svetlana "my wife" and the look he gave me made me shut up in an instant. He looked so hurt, I wanted to do anything in the world to make that look go away.

"Anyways, she's working tomorrow night. Why don't we pick up where we left off?", I suggested, I didn't care about Svetlana or that she's my wife in some fucked up way, he should understand that. I wanted him, no matter what she was doing right now, "Figure, if she's gonna be off fucking dudes, why can't I?"

The answer to that question probably was a simple "Because you hurt me"  
But he just said, "No thanks. ", like I just asked him if he wanted a drink, as if it didn't matter, as if he didn't care.  
"Hmm, hard to gets are getting me hard, Gallagher", I tried to make that fucking cold look go away, make him laugh, smile, give me that fucking grin I fell in love with seeing it through thick prison glass.

"Well, I'm leaving town.", he said suddenly.  
I scoffed, right, I marry a whore and you run away and leave me alone. Leave me alone here again, yeah, that would make the fucking situation perfect.  
"There a queer rights rally somewhere?"

"Army."  
"Ah, right, you gotta be eighteen."  
"Yeah, I figured a way around that", he stated.  
Wait, he sounded untypically serious.

"You serious? You're signing up?", panic set in again.  
"Tomorrow morning."  
"That's a dumbass fucking move, how long?", fear crept up my bones, he sounded really serious about this.  
"Four years, minimum."

I stared at him speechless.  
What... you run away and leave me alone? Leave me alone here again? That really makes the fucking situation perfect, doesn't it?

"What are you hoping, that I tell you not to go?", don't go, don't fucking... "That I'm gonna chase after you like some bitch?"  
What was this? What was happening? Was he really leaving me? Was he really leaving me alone with all this crap? Again? Was it some kind of fucked up test?  
"I didn't come here for you.", he turned away.

He was only here for Mandy. He didn't even intend to tell me, he didn't even want to say good bye to me. He would've just left without saying anything, without leaving some kind of message. He would've just... vanished out of my life like we never had anything...  
Is that how much I meant to him now?  
Not even enough for a good bye?  
Did I ruin so much, that he didn't even intend to tell me he was leaving me forever?

"Don't"

It was the only word I could choke out.  
Don't, please, just don't.  
He looked at me again.

"Don't what?"  
"Just....", Don't leave, don't go, don't do this, please – but nothing came out, I just stared at him as I felt tears approaching but I couldn't say more, I looked at him, pleadingly, shook my head.  
I couldn't say it.  
I couldn't.  
The words wouldn't come out.

He just scoffed and shook his head, before turning around and leaving.  
I sat down on my bed. I heard Mandy talk to him and Ian left through the front door.  
I pressed my palms against my eyes, because I knew I was about to cry.

I knew Mandy stood in the doorframe.  
"The fuck do you want?"  
"Really? I mean, that's all you gonna say to him?"  
I looked at her, what did she expect? Some big love declaration?  
"You're a fucking pussy", she spit and walked out to join her best friend.  
And deep inside, I knew she right, I was a coward, and I just sat here, crying, instead of running after him like I should.

_And that's exactly the moment I lost Ian Gallagher._

**Author's Note:**

> The end 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this. I will probably do something like this for 4x01 - 6x01 too


End file.
